wandering through the Heart of the unseen

2008-07-04T21:21:00.001-04:00

i have blog ADD.

sorry, blogger.

http://heartoftheunseen.tumblr.com/

we are like the aspen trees

2008-06-30T14:56:00.003-04:00

a single root structure

old and broken

2008-06-30T14:31:00.003-04:00

a single root structure

beauty in taos

2008-06-22T11:03:00.005-04:00

that's not a real tattoo. i want something like it eventually, though. taos is beautiful. i'd live in the desert if it meant having a community like that.

i love it here. wish i had better books to read. maybe i'll order a couple on amazon. any suggestions?

snow patrol live acoustic CD. get it.

i like talking to you.

moonlight and mountains

2008-06-18T15:28:00.008-04:00

I may be listening to Sigur Ros, but the sound of God and Mars is ringing in my head.
I cannot run without it. The mint mocha chip frapp taste still burns on my tongue from that drive and tastes like tears.
You wouldn't really understand, and that's okay. It's like the taste in your mouth when you eat something bitter, then follow that with a soothing sweet taste. it covers it up but it still lingers.

Emotions flare up every time I come close to something new.

The sun glares down at me as if I have done something wrong to it, and it doesn't forgive.
It's a desert out here.

Here I am, in that old place again, down on my face again.
How long will it take?
And how long will I have to wait.

Just realized I've had my iTunes on shuffle for about an hour and haven't changed a single song.

And my jeans are two tones lighter. (and tanner)

I talked last night under the moonlight for hours. Then I swung. Upside down. I feel a habit coming on.

get better

2008-06-12T21:26:00.002-04:00

Forget all your politics for a while.
Let the color schemes arrive.
Come onboard, it's a curious sight.
Absorbing sound that's never been right.
Never ahead of, never behind it.
Occasionally guarded, just keeps us surrounded.
It's luck.

Everything's gonna get lighter, even if it never gets better.
Ahhh.

I propose a less serious boat.
But don't mistake it for a party of jokes, who are never ahead of, never behind us.
Floating in circles there's more to remind them of less.

Everything's gonna get lighter, even if it never gets better.
Done. I'm done. I'm done.

bright moonlight

2008-06-11T18:44:00.002-04:00

I can't even begin to tell you how great this is. We ate at a local coffeeshop in a near town last night. I don't even need Starbuck's anymore. And that's saying a lot. Starbuck's has nothing on this place. I bought bracelets I hadn't seen since I was twelve. Then we drove back. It was four girls, an open highway, a bright moon and the perfect sound.

Some people think you have to be drunk to have fun. Untrue. I know a thing or two about having fun.

My tent collapsed today. Luckily my roommate and I were working. I'm kind of upset. I put a lot of trust in that tent.

just a little closer.

2008-06-10T01:22:00.002-04:00

Last night I spent hours talking about Jesus with my brothers and sisters. Hours. We prayed together. We prayed with Jesus.

We saw eight shooting stars, at least one of them probably a comet. Amongst the shadow of the Cross. I named a constellation. It's called 'Explosion.' Because it looks like a huge star exploded and left the remnants of tiny stars in a burst. If you see it in your sky tonight, let me know. I want you to know that I am with you. I think about my brothers and sisters a lot. I just know I'd be nothing without you.

The Holy Spirit is real. He doesn't live in Columbia, SC. He isn't bounded by the walls of a church building. In fact, the church is outside. It is everywhere. The Earth is His and all things in it. The Holy Spirit is everywhere you are. It is what drives you to love. It is what brings you to tears. It is what breaks you and molds you. It is what brings you joy to keep you alive. It is the Communicator. You can be confident because the Holy Spirit takes your aching and crying and explains it to your Father. It is your Comforter. Maybe a God shaped hole isn't quite enough. Maybe it is a God shaped container with which you choose to fill with goodness and holiness or ugliness. Jesus and the Cross is the filter through which the bad things are behind and the race has begun. Your heartbeat is the Lord. Your breath is the breath of the Lord. Your feet move to the rhythm of the Spirit's guidance. He is your eyes closed He is your eyes open.

...and I fly so high.

eight.

2008-06-09T02:35:00.002-04:00

Me
Trading Post
Philmont Scout Ranch
47 Caballo Rd.
Cimarron, NM 87714

it's nice to know there are brothers and sisters thousands of miles away.
we are related through obedience, not blood.
Lord you are good and you never fail.

taos is still ten feet deep in snow

2008-06-05T02:36:00.003-04:00

day off = hiking.

We went to Taos to hike the Mt. Wheeler area, tallest mountain in NM. Ended up not hiking the trail because it was buried under ten feet of snow. Sweet! Turned into an hour of snowball fights and snow tag.

Taos doesn't have Starbuck's. But we went to a couple local coffee shops. Oh, and Rocky Mt. Chocolate Factory. The mocassin stores were closed by the time we got there though.

Morning off tomorrow. Sweet!

2008-06-03T12:39:00.000-04:00

i really want starbuck's.

...and thousands more Your glory shines.

2008-06-01T21:25:00.007-04:00

my compositional skills left me at the bottom of the mountain.
oh, and that's colorado.
photoshop isn't worthy for pictures like these.

my brother is a model. i am his personal photographer.
me. 9003 ft higher than you. this was the hardest and longest hike i've ever taken. my lungs were burning and the sun was piercing and the water was necessary not wanted. i played frisbee later that night. and ate a lot of ice cream.

for thousands of miles

2008-06-01T21:06:00.004-04:00

first hike of the day. 1 mile. a joke compared to the next hike.

common diet. decent.
see that peak up there? that's where we ended up 2.5 hours later.

two stories

2008-05-31T01:44:00.004-04:00

Tonight I went to a Western dance party. I danced with a real cowboy! And several other guys, some more creepy than others and some genuine gentlemen. My brother danced too, it was cute.

The other night I had the best worst night of sleep ever. You have to understand a little background though. It is windy here. Pretty much all the time and the weather changes like nobody's business. We live in tents that are barely sufficient living spaces. They are about 12 feet by 10 feet, wooden floor, three wooden posts holding up basically the entire tent. When it is windy, the tent moves back and forth a good two feet. When it rains, we get wet because there are holes. I hadn't gotten a roommate yet, and this night was windy at about 20 mph, raining, thunderstorming, and cold. I can't open my eyes because if I do I'll see how badly the tent is moving and have a panic attack. I can't move because I am scared. If my tent falls down on me I am alone. My Mac is unsafe from water or temperature damage within a locker. Every time the lightning strikes the tent is illuminated and all I can do is count the seconds until the thunder rolls violently soon after. I am lying there stiff like a stick with no refuge. I am praying my brains out that it would stop.

And it's then that I realize, "God is a god of wrath. He has been gentle with me, but he is the Creator of the Universe and has every power to destroy nations and bring us trembling to our knees."
This storm is Him being who He is and it's scary and I don't want to be here but I am okay because He loves me. He loves me.
"God is near. He is near me 800 miles away from where He was near me that time five months ago when He was near me and every day that He has always been near me."
Wow. It was some sort of epiphany or something, and it was an experience of the closeness of God. Without anyone else telling me what to do. Without advice from others and without closeness of friends.
It was God.
And it was beautifully terrifying.

Tired. Hike tomorrow. Over 300 pictures, but here are some.

My lightbulb is hanging...

2008-05-29T00:03:00.004-04:00

just like the Coldplay concert in September. I'm working on a logo. I'm pretty excited. I meant to put pictures up, but it'll happen soon. I'm having much less free time than expected, but it's good. Discovered that postcards cost $1. May take longer to start sending those out. I met every staff member here who owns a Mac within the first few days. Not sure how that happened. I've been able to avoid Windows all together.

The lights are brighter here, and the wind is stronger.

what if the wind was everyone you ever loved?

frisbee til dark.

2008-05-27T00:22:00.002-04:00

i sleep in a tent, shower less, eat less, weigh less, my hair is straighter, tan lines are becoming visible, i wear chacos with socks.

the boys i work with don't wear deodorant. gross.

at home i feared consistency, here i fear bear sightings.

I want them to see past my surface. How do you do that and what does it really mean? Especially when I put so much effort into a shiny surface. If you are supposed to pray in a closet, then how are we supposed to be lights for the world?

Ohh, the Word is filled with such beautiful contradictions. Lord, do you over analyze more than I do?

Tired eyes. 11pm my time, 1am yours.

Did you know the Earth was covered in white cotton candy?

2008-05-26T00:23:00.003-04:00

May 23

"Also, Heaven definitely isn't in the clouds like they show in the Philadelphia cream cheese commercials.
Everything will change, we will never be the same. I had no idea how awesome this was going to be. I miss my mac though. The airport is such a good place for him. I regret not making more effective playlists, but I've found the iPod to be an important companion...the Lord is good. I knew He wanted to refine me but I was scared. He loves me. And it brings tears of joy. If I can suggest anything to you, I want you to spend a good long day without other people, or stuff. I have the best friends in the world, a body that loves and supports me, but I also have a God who deserves my time in the least. Perfect loves drives out fear, my friend. If you don't believe me, have faith. Don't fight your fears, embrace them."

I am very tired, so this is a short entry. But this place is amazing. Already taken over 100 pictures, I cannot give you words for the beauty that God made in this part of the country. He really likes showing off. The stars are so bright. SO BRIGHT. And He made this for US. Can you believe this? Pictures will be posted later.

My mac is here now! One day in and I've been asked to do some designs. I'm psyched. Also, I love climbing into my sleeping bag at night. It is warm. I wish someone could videotape me getting up in the morning. My entire body within this cocoon of a bag, an alarm going off, an arm reaching out to turn it off, then goes back in the bag.

Needless to say, the Lord is good. He is so good and He is refining me because for some reason He loves me. It really has brought tears.

us2gether :: we will fly

2008-05-22T23:42:00.002-04:00

chapter 18.5

2008-05-22T22:22:00.003-04:00

Jesus, stay with my heart, stay beside me. You are hope for my soul, You complete me.

My room is empty, a first. A duffle bag, a backpack, and a camera case. A hand to hold. I suppose I am as prepared as I'll ever be. I've been experiencing so many emotions this week, ones that I never even knew were inside me. At least, that I didn't think would face the surface again. I am deeply going to miss you all, I hold you all so close to my heart. It will remain that way and will give me comfort when I have none.

So begins a new chapter in my life. I don't know if I'll change, but there are qualities in myself I know need refining. The Lord is good at that.

I have gotten advice from many of the people that I love. They may not realize it, but I have been soaking up their words and it has made all the difference. I have listened to them like a child hears a bed time story. How often are people that vulnerable? It's new to me.

Can I just say that I am overwhelmed by the love the Lord has for me? I am scared out of my mind, there is no denying that. But in Him I find peace and grace and life and joy and the world does not come anywhere near providing that. In fact, in my life it has produced exactly the opposite.

My prayer is this: Lord, I see you now, and I am holding your hand very tightly. I am scared. When I am not holding you can you whisper in my ear? Tell me when I am not right, Lord, the desire of my heart is to seek you and I have settled for less than you far too often.
Less than You is not enough for me. I don't know where, I don't know why, I don't know how, but Your love makes these things better. You love us. You love us. You are a God of Love. Why do I forget that?

I will find bread. I will find juice. And I will remember you always. I will remember your covenant.

2008-05-22T02:28:00.000-04:00

Your hand in mine.

I'm just going to have to trust that.

ambulance:gloria record

2008-05-21T20:13:00.002-04:00

i've found love as deep as the ocean.
and your eyes...they hit me like a train.

and your words...serenade me, like the sweetest of songs.

...here i find peace again...

i will follow...

us2gether, a not so reunion.

2008-05-20T22:58:00.001-04:00

in your Name i find healing...

2008-05-19T11:06:00.004-04:00

so i'm holding on.
good morning. terminix woke me up today. what better way to wake up than by knowing there won't be any bugs in your house? pretty nice. it is 71 degrees and sunny. i ate a beautiful golden waffle with a huge cup of coffee. i am listening to lifehouse. i finally have everything i need to pack up and get going. even an ounce of peace. i guess that can get me through. oh, and faith.
i've got a little bit of that. i have a good feeling that God is going to take that.
time to start packing.

reality sinking in.

2008-05-18T22:04:00.003-04:00

i'm going to be here in 5 days.

just a taste.

Lord, I just want to see You. I just want to know You better.
I love that You love me despite myself. Do you love me because of myself or despite of it?

newity.

2008-05-16T17:02:00.003-04:00

Someday i won't give in to Starbuck's. It will be gloriously terrifying. Who can say 'no' to mint mocha chip frapp?
I picked up a book about Mother Teresa, her private writings. (if you're looking down on me now, i apologize for reading your secrets) I had heard a story recently where a friend of a friend wanted to make a difference in the world (don't we all), so he calls Mother Teresa's orphanage. just calls it, and leaves a message, for her asking that she would call him back when she gets a chance.
...
A few months later, he answers his phone, and sure enough, it's Mother Teresa. Long story short, he finds a way to get to India and ends up making a difference in the world under none other than Mother Teresa.

I wish I could see her face. they say that anyone who actually looked into her eyes was changed. I've always wondered what it was about Christian authors or speakers that I didn't like. There's pride there, regardless of whether it's righteous or not. They write books thinking they will help people with what they personally have found to be true in life (which i'm not going to argue that they don't). Mother Teresa has books written _about_ her. She is legendary. and she still didn't like that.
No more analyzing this. i'd rather be like Mother Teresa than anyone else in the whole world, and that's that.
I'm pretty much just bored of being lazy. We are called for much much more.
So, looking at all this Christian literature, it makes me feel a little uneasy. "Hey if i get someone like Rob Bell to write a good review for me, then i will sell more books!" And seeing all the Christian CD's. And knowing about this movement i like to call 'insidethebox' where pastors are broadcasted rather than seen. Worship bands are heard rather than felt. Maybe i'm just sick of seeing so many new minivans and SUV's. maybe the distance I have to drive just for a good cup of coffee is too far. Too many people looking at watches and talking on cell phones. Suburbs just don't feel right to me any longer.
For the first time I'm actually saying I'm ready. There is something so deep inside me that needs renewing. or maybe just 'newing'. newity?
I like jazz, but even more i am liking silence. Also, Ray LaMontagne.
'don't look for love in places, in faces, it's in you.'
I'll call you back when i'm ready. I've learned to take all this one step at a time. I just about fell down the stairs.

expressyourself

2008-05-15T18:42:00.002-04:00

Smoke4
Originally uploaded by SjTovar

please?

environment right now = no place to create.
upsetting.

2008-05-15T12:53:00.000-04:00

quotation of the week

2008-05-14T23:40:00.002-04:00

Faith is not a reasonable act which fits into the normal scheme of life and perception. The promise of the gospel is not a conventional piece of wisdom that is easily accommodated to everything else. Embrace of this gospel requires shattering and discontinuity.

http://erika.haub.net/

refine

2008-05-14T12:20:00.001-04:00

RickettsTree
Originally uploaded by groovysuvi

"...and you'll always have my blue velvet jacket, and I'll always have your CD. And we'll be sisters forever, striving for a faith unfailing. Who needs to be in close distance when when our spirits are entwined?"
-Carrie Joy

Can you hear me when there is no sound?

Sometimes it may be even harder to find You when there is sound.

We are being refined.
And if we are in the least bit willing, He will go through snipping our branches.
"snip"
"snip"
"snip"
I just named three of mine.

cityscape/

2008-05-12T15:07:00.002-04:00

sunsetting in the suburbs

2008-05-11T20:47:00.004-04:00

i'm falling to pieces and i sure could use some help

I forgot how beautiful the sunrise is here. It's something the city just lacks. The red and orange light is trying so hard to seep through my windows and the rays reach higher than I can try. The pine trees are as tall as the buildings.

I will meet You in our secret place and I will be Yours
You will pick me up and carry me in Your arms across the lake and into the sky

I realized it so randomly but so beautifully. After all, what is the point of having faith if you're not putting your faith in something?

I was scared. So scared and I tried to ignore it but it was there raping my mind. I know perfect love drives out fear, but that doesn't mean anything. What is love and where does it come from and what are the rules and ramifications and what am I supposed to do what am I supposed to feel when I undeniably am defeatedly scared out of my mind because I've never done this before. The music and the art and the people can't even give me the comfort and hope to pull through.

When you are honest, you find answers.
I am learning what the Holy Spirit does, not trying to figure it out, but experiencing the grace and hope that it brings from God. I am taking a huge step in my life. I am going the distance physically and mentally. I don't know why. I am doubting my decision, but going for it nonetheless. For whatever reason.

Walking through Books-A-Million yesterday, I found a tshirt that said "Jesus, the answer to all your problems"
hahaha....
I'd like a tshirt that said, "Jesus, the one that takes you from your comfortable life and ruins it to perfect you for a life after you die"
...or something. Although I probably still wouldn't wear it.

I find it hard to believe that a life with Jesus is easy. Or painless. Or content.
We are working against the world, how can this answer all your problems?

I am terrified. But, I am comforted because I understand now that this is exactly what it takes to have faith. I'm sick of claiming faith. I'm ready to chase faith. Faith that is stupidly sure.

creative date ideas

2008-05-08T14:35:00.002-04:00

Found this while cleaning out my closet.

-Go and plop down on some big ol couch in Barnes and Noble and read some children's books or simply grab some of your favorite magazines and hang out wihile sippin' on some coffee.
-Make a picnic lunch, take a blanket, and go out to a park or nature reserve. Afterward,s take a walk and actually talk to each other.
-Go horseback riding. Find some stables nearby and pay for an hour, maybe take a one time lesson together or something.
-Go workout together at a gym.
-Dave and Busters. You'll want to save up some cash for this one. It has the coolest biggest video games around, a nice restaurant, and a sophisticated atmosphere. Lots of virtual reality type stuff. A Chuck E. Cheese for teens and adults.
-Speaking of Chuck E., take a couple kids to Chuck E. Cheese for the evening and let their parents go out on a date. You'll have just as much fun as the kids plus get some good pizza...plus...give some parents a night to themselves.
-Go sledding. More fun with snow.
-Stay in and make chocolate chip cookies together. No slice and bake. Then give them to family or friends.
-Make dinner for each other.
-Go out on a progressive dinner. One place for appetizers, another for salad, another for main course, and then dessert. They don't have to be fancy...you could go to the Target cafe for nachos for appetizer, Wendy's for a side salad, go to Bagel Cafe for sandwiches, then Dairy Queen for dessert.
-IMAX.
-Play a board game with parents. It may sound corny, but it's a good thing to spend time together with your parents.
-Bust out the card deck and play some rummy, war, slap jack, crazy 8's, UNO, Phase 10, euchre, hearts, spades, etc.
-Rent a video game that you both will enjoy playing. Ladies, be excited about it.
-The Dollar Movies!
-Take your little brother or sister out with you wherever you go for the evening. They'll keep the evening more interesting.
-Go to a batting cage.
-Go on a double date with your grandparents, have them tell you stories about when they dated. Take advantage of the time you are blessed to spend with them and make the most of opportunities to hear stories that you'll want to pass down to your kids and your grandchildren some day.
-Golf ball driving range!
-Tackle all the local thrift stores like GoodWill and Salvation Army and pick out outfits for each other. Usually you can find some really cool stuff really cheap.
-Go online and play games at sites like www.uproar.com
-Take a tour of an art museum, or a special exhibit with ancient artifacts like Egyptian Mummies or something.
-If you have a friend who plays on the school tennis, wrestling, basketball, baseball, volleyball or whatever team. Go watch one of their games...cheap entertainment and it will mean the world to your friend.
-Have a nght where you give each other different hairstyles. Take some mousse and some gel and a hair dryer and start creating. Temporary hair coloring anyone?
-Double date with youth minister and his wife.
-Go out and buy a couple of cheap kites, go to the park, and fly them together.
-Playgrounds anyone?
-Make up your own holiday and buy each other something.
-LASER TAG
-Wash your cars together!
-Ice skating
-Serve the community - soup kitchen, nursing home, deliver food to sick friends.
-Take a video camera out with you for the evening...Record people you drive up next to, go to friends' houses and surprise them. You never know what could happen. Afterwards go back and watch it. They are usually holarious.
-Rent a limo with 8-10 of your friends and drive around for a couple hours...go to McDonald's or something random.

welcome to the real world

2008-05-07T16:01:00.002-04:00

you're not going to be a child forever.

something temporary

2008-05-05T01:38:00.002-04:00

it's funny the difference between suburbs and city.

"right turn on red"

happens to be one of them.

also, there are SUVs in the suburbs.
everywhere.
new ones.
expensive ones.
driven by soccer moms. who obviously will be needing them for sports and/or utilities.

although, i am downtown again.
i'm not sure where home is. it's this word that people associate with a house usually, sometimes apartment building. home is where your heart is, and if my heart is inside me beating hard, then it doesn't really matter what place it is.

my heart was beating fast today.
you're a piece of who i am, and that is a small piece but a beautiful one.
i like living without regret. regret is just a tool of self deprecation that we use to make ourselves feel bad for no reason.
yeah.
sometimes i'm all talk though.

it's funny how nothing is permanent anymore. i have moved out of the dorm, cleaned out my room in Irmo, and i am barely unpacking anything knowing that i am moving all my stuff out again.

everything is temporary.
which makes the Permanent even more appealing.

wisdom teeth

2008-05-03T23:25:00.002-04:00

floppy disks, high school english notes, 90s mix tapes, prom dresses, old makeup box, countless kept letters, graduation cap, the smell at the bottom of my dresser drawer, spongebob tshirt, senior year tshirt, black notepad for gel pens, old sketch book, oh the list....

this is unreal.
so incredibly unreal.

if time is all we have, then what does that leave us with? if all we have is this invisible, winding, path that God takes us on, what is it that we can find comfort in?
his arms.
oh yeah.
his arms.
and i will never be the same again.

i found my wisdom teeth in a little manilla packet. i am a pack rat. i am going to throw them away. but do you think that as the days pass God takes the wisdom we think we have and gives us new wisdom? our spirits are renewed everyday. forgiveness is one of the easiest things when it is a loved one.

sleep for now, my friends.

2008-05-02T20:25:00.002-04:00

wow. life is moving fast. the window's down and the air is blowing and my hair is everywhere and there are so many colors.
it's beautiful.

there is new music, there are new people that have no idea how much they will be missed.

fast.
fast
fast
fast.

so many colors...the colors of a sunset. the kind that without the time of day you'd have no idea if it was dusk or dawn. that's really where i am right now. i don't know if this is an end or a beginning. if every moment of my life was like this i think i'd go crazy.

i'm moving out i'm moving in
i'm saying goodbye i'm saying hello
i'm studying i'm distracted
i'm nervous i'm excited
i'm bored i'm busy
the noise is loud but i'm not hearing anything.

Lord you blow my mind.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I feel you and you are better than life.
My heart is yours
My love is yours

Sometimes I have no idea what this means...but I love you. And sometimes that's all I need to live.

2008-05-01T07:41:00.002-04:00

Today my day began with a big fresh box of krispy kreme donuts from my dad. It also began with a few encouraging wall posts, a good video, a good song, and the beautiful chill of a spring morning.

I just hope.
Lord I'm hoping.

If I fall, will you catch me?
I know it's going to happen.
I just don't know when.
I love you Lord.

the world moves madly

2008-04-28T17:58:00.002-04:00

Cars and People from wvs on Vimeo.

and you are the needle upon which it swings.

2008-04-28T12:24:00.001-04:00

once you go mac, you can't go back.
i am ready for an iMac.

i'm so proud. i've converted my roommate. she is now a mac fanatic!

this is our home; we are home.

2008-04-27T17:19:00.003-04:00

A photo essay for my Photovisual class final exam. Yeah, I'm liking college.

2008-04-26T22:32:00.001-04:00

I want to be the one that holds You high
I want to be the one that gives You glory – only

I want to be the one that holds You high
I want to be the one that brings you praise

This is what our contemporary Christian world calls a worship song?

It is well

2008-04-25T23:43:00.002-04:00

because You are better than life.

It was the look in his eyes tonight. They were so drained, so old, so dark and large. But in that moment, so enthralled.
By beauty and passion and life and God and serenity.

Lord, I don't know what it is about you, but you make everything seem worth it in the end. I feel inexperienced, inadequate, unsure, and a little bit too comfortable.
But this is the life you have for me.
I choose to put my faith in that not because of what the world has to offer, but in spite of what the world has to offer.

2008-04-25T03:00:00.001-04:00

i'm holding your treasure.

"Who are you gonna choose to serve today?"

i'm holding your treasure
you are the only one
you are the only one
you are the holy one

recent works III

2008-04-24T12:58:00.002-04:00

you resurrect our lives Lord.
you never let us go.

recent works II

2008-04-23T15:37:00.001-04:00

another campaign for DFCC

recent works

2008-04-22T23:55:00.004-04:00

I will start posting some of my recent works as I compile my portfolio.

so here's the thing...

2008-04-22T23:44:00.002-04:00

God isn't a god of convenience.
Sorry.
You lost the game.

Because I was sitting here on my new bed, doing a sudoku, planning to read a book following so, and it hit me. Here I am in my bed, just chilling out, thinking that God time can wait until later.
Wrong.
Our lives should really spin upon those moments when we allow God to speak into our hearts. Chances are, He won't do it while I am doing a sudoku, or while I am eating, or while I am on facebook.

I don't believe that we can experience God wholly where we are right now.

God took Moses, wrapped him in a rock taco, covered him, then showed him the backside of where God's glory used to be...and Moses' face radiated light. He had to cover his face while giving teachings, and only when approaching God would he remove it.

But I do believe that we can come pretty close. Only when it is truly the desire of our hearts.
If you don't give God the time of day, what kind of relationship are you expecting to build with Him?

oh, watershed

2008-04-22T00:29:00.003-04:00

i don't know what you are feeling, but i hope you figure it out for yourself and not for other people.

what will come of this i don't know, but i need to get this straight within myself. i'm pretty sick of the way i've been thinking lately. i overanalyze things because
a. i am a girl, and it is one of our God given gifts (or curses, whichever way you want to look at it)
b. it's just my nature. no one else around me does it so i feel it is my duty when others are completely under analyzing things. people are stupid therefore i am not. (i've analyzed this to come to such a conclusion, let me know if i need to elaborate)

again, i'm sick of the way i'm thinking. God says that He gives us treasure and we are vessels that hold this. God says that he will bring our dead bones to life and our dead spirits to breathing when we accept his covenant.

I've accepted his covenant, so what am I doing here in this rut again?
Oh Lord.
I'm ready.
Go.

Have I forgotten about my past?
No way.
Have I come to peace with it?
Pretty much.
Do I believe there's a treasure inside me building larger and larger?
With all my heart.
Do I put trust in a God that knows what's best for me when all I see is what's good for me?
haha. For some reason, yes.

I don't know where, I don't know how, I don't know why.
But your love can make these things better.

Answer me when I call to you,
O my righteous God.
Give me relief from my distress;
be merciful to me and hear my prayer.
How long, O men, will you turn my glory into shame?
How long will you love delusions and seek false gods?
Know that the LORD has set apart the godly for himself;
the LORD will hear when I call to him.
In your anger do not sin;
when you are on your beds,
search your hearts and be silent.
Offer right sacrifices
and trust in the LORD.
Many are asking, "Who can show us any good?"
Let the light of your face shine upon us, O LORD.
You have filled my heart with greater joy
than when their grain and new wine abound.
I will lie down and sleep in peace,
for you alone, O LORD,
make me dwell in safety.

Sometimes David says it better.

understatement

2008-04-20T09:33:00.001-04:00

Speak Up for Peace
Originally uploaded by * Honest *

i'm already doing too much.
so, Lord, i'm going to give it all to You. it seems that the only thing i can come up with is an understatement of who You are, Lord.
only an understatement.
i love you. but it's more than just that.
you love me. even more than words.
when i am lonely you hold me. you don't just hold me, you encompass all of who i am.
when i don't wake up with you i've lost you. i can't even live, really.

Lord give me peace. in the largest sense of that word.

your love is better than life, it's better than life
and your grace rests on my heart
let your will be my will.

the blinking line is waiting for the next word, but i just don't know what it is.

Lord, let me be a human who is, not a human who does.

You are my favorite part of me.

congratulations.

2008-04-17T15:34:00.002-04:00

for completely over analyzing every aspect of your life.
you win the game.

it's true

2008-04-16T11:07:00.002-04:00

that you can never tell the difference of someone laughing or crying in a photograph.

I think that's why it's such a special thing.

I don't understand how hugging upon meeting is more appropriate than kissing someone on the cheek. Hugging is actually a weird thing to do with someone you just met. Pressing your body against someone so closely instead of a peck on the cheek? Hmph. I'm flabergasted.

I'm sitting here oustide Adriana's in Five Points and it's beautiful. I can't wrap my mind around it.
Macbook, wireless internet, iced french vanilla latte, mandolin dude, and sunny.
I could get used to this.
It's a good thing considering I'll be living here for the next three years.

What is there to not be excited about? I didn't realize it until today, but I always have some design I could be working on. Right now there's four. Then, if I don't want to do any of those, I can actually come up with something on my own! I get to play guitar and design things for a living. Then I wonder why I'm still in college? I love college too! I get to take three (potential) graphic design classes next semester. My other two classes are easy ones. I have the greatest brothers and sisters in Christ, I am going to be living in my own apartment next year with a balcony. I am going to New Mexico ALL SUMMER. I am so SO SO HAPPY!!! No wonder I've been laughing so much recently!

My moods may change like the tides of the sea, but you, oh Lord, are as constant as the beating in my heart.
Thank you. I am wandering Lord, but you make my paths straight.

2008-04-14T21:51:00.002-04:00

I'll be your hope I'll be your love
be everything that you need
I'll love you more with every breath
truly, madly, deeply do
I will be strong I will be faithful
'cause I'm counting on
a new beginning
a reason for living
a deeper meaning

and when the stars are shining
brightly in the velvet sky,
I'll make a wish send it to heaven
then make you want to cry
the tears of joy for all the
pleasure in the certainty
that we're surrounded by the
comfort and protection of the highest powers
in lonely hours
the tears devour you.

oh, savage garden. thank you for the words.

i'm laughing and i'm crying and i'm not sure what my stomach feels like. it's a mix of butterflies and rosemary roasted chicken and cheesy potatoes and rolls and chocolate covered strawberries and mint chocolate chip cookies and love and white chocolate truffles and humbleness and hope and faith and life. all inside my stomach.
i'm pretty full.
i might upchuck.
you're already a voice inside my head. Lord i keep giving my heart to others and Lord you are the only one who deserves it. tears of joy? no...those weren't tears of joy. but they were good tears. they needed me and they've missed me.

dear future husband,
life's good here while i'm waiting for you. i'm learning. God is breaking and mending and breaking my heart. i hope by the time i know who you are that i'm ready for you. i want to give you nothing less than what you deserve. i want to hear the words you aren't saying and comfort you. i want to hold you in my arms and love you like you've never been loved.
all that to say this: i'm preparing my heart for you. i am giving up the things of this world to save a piece of my heart for you. you were never real to me until tonight. i heard you through the voice of a man of God. i heard you through explosions in the sky. i heard you through laughter. i heard you through tears. i saw you through the flash of a camera that will allow me to remember this night forever.
by the way, i'm not saying this while listening to some mellow Christian emo song. i'm listening to blink 182: all the small things.
our life together is going to be great.
i can live with that hope.
in the meantime, i'll be running the race...watching the sunset...laughing...catching some rays...playing music...embracing friendships so strong...did i mention laughing? i'll be doing a lot of that. i can't believe that you will be able to deal with my laughing. i can't live without it.
i'll see you soon.
-laura mae

The current is strong, my arms are weak
But you are the branch within my reach.

this morning the window was open

2008-04-13T12:09:00.002-04:00

Small orange-like fruit :)
Originally uploaded by Hechlok

When I wake up, without having to force myself to do it, and I say, "Lord let your thoughts be my thoughts," I know this day will be even more beautiful than what the weather channel called for it to be.

The mornings when the sun shines so so bright (waking up at 11am)
The mornings when the shower is perfect heat.
The orange is so sweet it peels in one piece.
I check my facebook not for approval by my peers, but to see the love that welcomes me into my day.
Sleeping at Last is the wake up call, not the fire alarm.

I'm looking at the peeled orange on my desk knowing exactly what awaits me.
Yuuumm...

God will give you wisdom if you ask for it.
He will give you Himself if you ask for it.

"The soul must long for God in order to be set aflame by God's love; but if the soul cannot yet feel this longing, then it must long for the longing. To long for the longing is also from God."

If you are a child, act like a child. But if you know God is maturing you, don't act like a child anymore. There is a difference between acting childlike verses acting childish.

"Before my feet can touch the ground, Lord I give this day to you."

Take a bite.
Enter your day.

our lives are weaving together like a thread...

2008-04-10T14:42:00.004-04:00

within each other, faithfully,
sharing in our joys and miseries
and all that the world can give.

Relient K (check)
Death Cab for Cutie (check)
David Crowder Band (check)
Coldplay (check)
Sleeping at Last (CHECK!)
Cool Hand Luke
Copeland
Snow Patrol

The list is getting closer and closer.

child, I love you

2008-04-09T11:46:00.003-04:00

I'd like to know what it is inside us that self deprecates. hate, bitterness, jealousy, anger, insecurity, self-doubt, etc. what is the root of all these? Who told us that we weren't allowed to be happy with who we are? Who pointed out all our flaws and laughed at us and told us to stare at them as if it was a car wreck on the side of the highway you can't take your eyes off of.
I like being happy. I can't relate to people who bathe in their dislike of themselves. I'm learning to like who I am. Because God made us, he said 'it was good' and good for Him is better than good for me.
I like having confidence, although it leaves me at times. God makes us, he knows every hair on our heads. He holds me when I need holding. He has promised us what we cannot give ourselves, He has given us freedom from the world different than any other 'god' can offer and we still cry when we get stressed. We still sin in our anger because we are too ashamed to admit that we are really angry at ourselves, not those that our sin is directed toward.
I'm not sure I understand the human nature.
I taught a lesson on restoration last week. I didn't realize how hard of a lesson it was for people, because I didn't realize I was really teaching a lesson on how our human nature is idiotic. You see, restoration comes from brokenness, and everyone can relate to that. people don't like hearing a lesson on restoration because we don't want to be restored. We _need_ to, but we don't want to.
I'm not sure I understand the human nature.
We bask in our brokenness. We pity ourselves and we self-deprecate instead of looking toward Heaven and finding grace and joy in the Lord who promises it to us. Are we denying the covenant God made to us?
That might be just it.
What if we focused on praising God rather than feeling jealousy and anger within ourselves?
Not just for what He's done, but for who He is.

"We slowly chip away at each other's protective coatings until one day we wake up and notice we are naked and people are pointing...Then just as I lean in to take a bite, to suck with all my might at the marrow, to breathe in with as much ferocity as I can muster, I see your eyes and hear your whispers."

"Think back. Try hard to recall what praise in its undiluted purity felt like. When you would dance with your arms fully extended rather than elbows bent, folded closely to your person in such a guarded fashion...What if this kind of praise freely leaked from us in delightful response to God?"
David Crowder, Praise Habit

2008-04-06T22:29:00.002-04:00

feeling better, since i surrendered.
you can't climb until you're ready to fall.

wells already dug:
i get to design a website. [more on this later]

i mean, that's up there on my list of things to do before i die. i guess it's time for an update on that.

breathe in; breathe out,
running, always running back.
just remember to breathe,
this world takes me so far from that.

a thousand words, not even enough.

2008-04-05T11:54:00.004-04:00

great smoky mountains national park

2008-04-05T11:42:00.001-04:00

just some jimbays and crazy people

2008-04-03T23:56:00.003-04:00

run.
always go/the pace maintains.
the space remains
in front.
in front of you/your chains behind.
eyes leaving you blind
to them/allofthem.

we are dead/we are slaves
we are jars/we carry a cross
bearing the weight of the world, taken over by someone else.
we are waiting, we are watching,
we run a race with baggage too heavy for ourselves to carry.
we are weak we are frail we are fools
there is a hole in our heart.
our bodies are temples.
we cannot give in to what we desire in the moment
we don't sleep our anger away
we don't find joy in wordly gifts
we'd choose giving over receiving any day
we confront our fears we don't leave them behind
we focus on what is not seen
we have peace when we go to bed at night

we are loved.
unconditionally.
we are held as a child is held by their father we see beauty in what we cannot see we run the race knowing we have freedom from those chains we look up into the sky in awe we gaze into the mountains everything has meaning and we have meaning and the world is going to be okay because of my Saviour. my selfish loving Saviour who uses us even though he could be completely sufficient on his own.

We are still dreamers in our dead sleep
Let the fire surround us
Let it all cave in
Let it all burn wild
We are leaving it all behind
Heaven is here

everyone needs a little banjo

2008-04-03T00:58:00.004-04:00

"We have this treasure from God, but we are like clay jars that hold the treasure. This shows that the great power is from God, not from us. We have troubles all around us, but we are not defeated. We do not know what to do, but we do not give up the hope of living. So we do not give up. Our physical body is becoming older and weaker, but our spirit inside us is made new every day. We set our eyes not on what we see but on what we cannot see."

Lord, last night I sort of felt like a jar.
Maybe more like a lamp post, though.

It feels good and it feels strange to feel that.
I think it's because I'm losing some pride.
Is it prideful to say that?
Weird.

I'm learning to be less of a scaredy-human.

"Where can I go to get away from your Spirit?
Where can I run from you?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there.
If I lie down in the grave, you are there.
If I ride in a plane 1576 miles from home.
If I rise with the sun in the east
and settle in the west beyond the sea,
and work at a camp all summer I've never been to,
even there you would guide me.
With your right hand you would hold me."

Scripture has this way to my heart that I cannot fathom.

Lord, here I am on this mountainside. Take my heart, my soul, my all. I am Yours.

this night will be forgot;

2008-04-01T22:46:00.002-04:00

but the joy itself will go on.

teaching.
do i like teaching?
yeah!
it sure takes a lot out of me, though.

the window will be open tonight.

a teaspoon of wisdom makes the Holy Spirit go down.

2008-04-01T09:27:00.004-04:00

Lord, I am giving today to You.

I know, I know. Everyday is yours.

But today I need to know that.
I need to know that the breath I breathe is you.
That the ground I walk on is you.
That the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart are yours.

Grant me wisdom.

the greatest love that needs to be loved itself

2008-03-29T21:47:00.003-04:00

"my heart broke into a million pieces; they obviously fell down into my feet because i couldn't move."

Jesus, you are so precious to us. We see You. We love You. But we're so idiotic.

I am learning the ramifications of our faith, and I am learning how you wash my feet.
You wash my feet, Lord.
I am washed clean.
So the chapter continues just because.

that song still lingers

2008-03-29T08:42:00.003-04:00

"On a day when the wind is perfect, the sail just needs to open and the love starts. Today is such a day."

"It's rigged - everything, in your favor. So there is nothing to worry about. I know there is a gold mine in you, when you find it the wonderment of the earth's gifts you will lay aside as naturally as does a child a doll."

"The hills, the valleys, the beasts, the vineyards, the sacred meadows on our earth and body-they shall pass and ascend as all form does, tiring of space within a cage; for all crowds the soul but the infinite. Ascenders of God we are."

.Rumi.

Investigate my life, O God,
find out everything about me;
Cross-examine and test me,
get a clear picture of what I'm about;
See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong—
then guide me on the road to eternal life.

They say that when you are being stretched the most, that's when you learn the most. I know because I've been there. And it's completely true. Lord, you know me better than myself. You numbered every hair on my head for one thing; and I haven't exactly tried that yet.

Lord, You're better than life. And Your grace rests on my heart.

On the back of a business card:

"This is beautiful. There's something about the city that attracts you.
All cities are the same, really.
Blue lights, White lights, Windows,
lots of them.

There is a Bridge that leads out of the city as if You are leaving a different world.
It has yellow lampstands and makes the river yellow.
It shows its fast Current.
The Congaree is a mighty river, really.

The Wind is mad and I am but a reflection in my window.
I wish I had more time to embrace all this.
I can see it all from here;
clear as day;
yet dark as the Night that it is.

Fear left me a long time ago.

it's darker in the morning

2008-03-27T10:20:00.000-04:00

Is this love
Or something to think of?

We fool ourselves for comfort
We’re swayed by every wind
And if this isn’t true love
Then we can just pretend
But what is love?

This is love
This is love
That you would die for me (John 15:13, Romans 5:8)

Is this real
Or something to feel?

Confused by our emotions
Confused by what we see
We trade in our patience
For false security
But is this love?

When I’m falling down
When I’m falling down
You save me
You save me
When I’m falling down
When I’m falling down
You save me
You save me
This is how I know
What love is
And I’d die for this

Wow. That is something I want to live by.

Driving in the burb with all four windows down, aviators on, music loud.

I'm less scared now.

the bipolar alarm clock.

2008-03-25T00:03:00.003-04:00

http://www.flickr.com/photos/shackcommunity/

Those are the beautiful people that I love.

Lord, I don't know what it is that makes me so nervous, but it's there. What am I doing and why in the world have I decided to do this? It's one of those things that sounds so good in theory, and as the days approach fears trickle inside me.

60 days.

Is this you testing my faith? Do you do this sort of thing?

And then I hear you whispering that something so sweet in my ear,
"trust me."

God: Here's to waking up in the morning.

i'm so bored of little gods while standing on the edge of something large

2008-03-23T18:55:00.005-04:00

I don't know what in the world emotion this is called, but every time I hear my nephew's voice on the phone my heart breaks. I have never known I was capable of such a feeling.

It gets me every time.

I have never had an Easter quite like this one. I have never experienced an Easter sermon quite like the one I heard this morning.
Thanks, Joey.

"An Easter different than any other. 'You are awesome in this place, Mighty God.' A place where four people are wearing bunny ears, and no one is surprised. A place where chaos can transform into solitude in minutes. The coffee is emptied out with barely enough time to start the coffee machine again. Dressed up the only time of the year. for our Jesus."

Can you imagine your life without God in it? It's pretty ugly. We ask God. We ask, beg, pray, complain about our lives. What does that leave us with at the end of the day? Unfulfilled desires?

What if we asked God, "Lord, what can I give to You?"
What if the desires of my heart matched the desires of His heart. After all, His desire is just to have my whole heart. There is a hole in our hearts that we fill with something.

You see, it doesn't matter what you do. It doesn't matter what your past is, or even who you've made youself out to be. God is after your heart. You didn't choose Him, He chose you. Specifically. Because He loves you. Ever wondered why we keep coming back to Him? Trying to fill this void in our hearts so desperately that we will fill it with things that don't matter? Because He created us that way. He wants you. He loves you. He holds you. The void in your heart is God-sized.

He loves you? Yeah. You want to know how I know? Because God wanted us more than he wanted his own life.

I'm laughing at myself because I see the ugliness and how uncomparable it is to a life fulfilling the desires of God's heart.

The Shack Easter service was unlike any other I have experienced. A combination of worship, communion, teaching, eating, frolicking, finding Easter eggs (Christmas ornaments), dying eggs, and did I mention eating?
This is a community that I have a feeling will be in my heart forever.

Wow. I can't believe this.

To quote from Joey, "I pay attention to pop culture because pop culture helps me relate to people."

renewal. again?

2008-03-23T01:45:00.004-04:00

and again and again.

Sometimes I look at my life and think what the heck am I doing here. The way I treat situations resembles that of a five year old whose ice cream cone has just tragically dropped into the dirt. Then God stops me (I do believe in the power of stopping time), and tells me exactly what it is I'm doing.

Learning.

Once again, nothing to be sorry for.

"I know you wish you could hear me, sometimes that's so hard to do.
I know you wish you could see me, but that's the way it has to be.
Some day you will understand, don't you lose your faith in me."

I'm reading a new book: "Love Poems from God: Twelve Sacred Voices from the East and West." It's pretty neat. I'm learning what to see as Truth and what to see as lies. It's good to know the difference between the two. Here are some quotes I've found especially True.

"No one knows his name-a man who lives on the streets and walks around in rags. Once I saw that man in a dream. He and God were constructing an extraordinary temple."
This is a good quote, hypothetically. Interestingly, it came from a woman, Rabia, who claimed to be a female Islamic saint. I find truth in it because God does find the least of those on earth as the highest in Heaven. There is so much beauty in constructing a temple with God. Why do we put so much energy into our earthly temples?

"Darkness is an unlit wick; it just needs your touch, Beloved, to become a sacred flame. And what sadness in this world could endure if it looked into your eyes?"

"Such love does the sky now pour, that whenever I stand in a field, I have to wring out the light when I get home."

"Love so needs to love that it will endure almost anything, even abuse, just to flicker for a moment."

"If God said, 'Rumi, pay homage to everything that has helped you enter my arms,' there would not be one experience of my life, not one thought, not one feeling, not any act, I would not bow down to."

"How can you look so needy - God is growing in fields you own.

sweet conversation

2008-03-21T19:25:00.005-04:00

[i don't know where, i don't know how, i don't know why. but Your love can make these things better.]

Lord, sometimes the only thing keeping me alive is Your hand.

The sunset is beautiful this time of year. The conversations have been beautiful. Conversations I knew were so possible, so reachable, but didn't know we had the capacity for. You have the capacity for us, I suppose.

I've been thinking a lot about our pasts here recently. I never thought that I struggled with this idea of not giving up the past. I never thought I had ghosts chasing me. That is for people who have been through tragedy, not church people like me. I've encouraged people who struggle with their pasts, saying that God has closed the door behind you, and you don't have to worry about those things anymore. Your past makes you who you are, but it isn't worthy of being in focus.

See, the funny thing is that my past doesn't matter either. Just because I don't have many regrets doesn't mean that my past still exists in God's eyes. Who we are now, gathered around the table, is who we are at the moment. It's what we're talking about. It's the people we surround ourselves with. It's who we relate with. It's about your personal confidence. It's about what God has taught you and the way that you can stand up for yourself, for your faith, when needed.

There is no shame in what's behind that door. Just as long as the window's open and the air is moving.

I don't think it's ever been as quiet as it is right now.
Can I tell you something?
To be completely honest and vulnerable I'm struggling with a lot right now. One of which is the fact that I am so good at covering my vulnerabilities with a soft, flannel blanket. Well, maybe it's more like a brightly multicolored quilt. If there's anything I can say I'm best at, it's that.

I also have not completely recovered. I suppose I am constantly in a state of recovery. I haven't had the epiphany yet. That moment when I decide to completely trust in Your intentions for my life. This is hard. I believe wholeheartedly that this may be the hardest thing that I've had to go through in the past 10 years of my life. And it hurts. And I'm supposed to grow but I'm being stubborn. i'm seeing it come out. I'm seeing how my energy is being channelled and it's ugly. God, it's ugly.

I'm learning. And that is nothing to be ashamed of. I'm not sorry.

"God's mercy holds us, we are His own. This road that we travel, may it be the straight and narrow. God give us peace and grace from You. All the day through."

A car alarm is going off outside. Reminds me that life goes on.
Thank you for your peace. Reminds me that time really can stop.

"Come just as you are, come recieve, come and live forever."

the perks of being a dorm.

2008-03-19T14:10:00.005-04:00

When you lose things, they can't go very far. I wish that you could experience a day in the life of my roommate and I. Things just build up and we find ourselves hysterically laughing at some point every day. Like today, when I realized that my flip flops weren't in the place they normally are.

Me: I lost my flip flops. [thinking: i know as soon as i say that i'll find them, since this room is pretty small]
Whitney: They're right there.
Me: Oh.

So I guess it's just one of those 'you had to be there' moments. But those are the moments that allow my life to shine.

I was in Adriana's today, and there was an interview taking place at the table next to me.
I hate interviews.
The girl being interviewed was a graphic designer. She talked for about five minutes about how well she treated the earth. Apparently 'everything she uses is organic.' I just find it hard to claim being a graphic designer and wanting to be environmentally healthy. As the interview was ending, the interviewer asked if the girl had a myspace (uh oh! the myth is true...people really do look at your myspace in job interviewers!) and apparently the girl worked at a bar, and it was really awkward and the girl was trying to convince her how old her myspace was ( :/ )
I hate interviews. I hope that I never have to grow up.

can't stop

2008-03-18T07:51:00.005-04:00

i can't believe you're here, close to me,
it's getting hard to breathe, but i don't want to leave.

i can't escape your love for me,
so you take control.
your Spirit surrounds me,
close enough to catch me when i fall.

life isn't a fairy tale. something i'm learning lately.
"Mystical experiences of God are real, but fragmentary...I have learned not to strive to reproduce them, rather to put myself in a place where they can visit me, "grace" me." -Philip Yancey, Reaching for the Invisible God

that's why i'm going to be happy when i wake up to my iPod every day. i'm going to enjoy my first cup of coffee with a good book, and eat my smart start cereal with joy. i'll be thankful every time i am with my friends because they are one of the best things that has ever happened to me. i'm going to leave the past behind me, whatever ghosts i think are chasing me, and focus on what my life is taking the shape of. i will laugh at anything, and i will rejoice in new music.

your ways i do not understand...but i do know that they are AWESOME!

2008-03-16T20:47:00.002-04:00

It's good to journal. For several reasons, but one is that you can open them up years later to reflect on your growth, and to laugh a little. I found my journal from when I was 14, and I was laughing my head off.

But it can change your perspective on living an every day life, when you see what your days used to look like. I sometimes look down on my 'testimony' because it didn't involve a divorce, an abortion, abusive parents, or a broken family. When I hear stories from people about turning their lives around and following Jesus after extremely difficult times, I think that my story isn't good enough. My faith is only mine because I grew up going to church.

I can see more and more that my life is significant. I may not have had disaster in my life, but that should make me even the more gracious in my blessings.

On another note:
It being Easter season, I am reading through the death and resurrection story of Jesus. It's hard for me to read for some reason. I found myself reading through the stories in Matthew, and partially doubting what was happening. It was horrible. I found I was convincing myself that it was okay to doubt, but then I was hating myself for that. As I continued to read though, I remained open to God (the only one, obviously who knows my thoughts) with my doubts, because I'm not willing to just push them aside anymore, but at the same time I was very scared. Then I got to this part:

"Then the curtain in the Temple was torn into two pieces, from the top to the bottom. Also, the earth shook and rocks broke apart. The graves opened, and many of God's people who had died were raised from the dead. They came out of the graves after Jesus was raised from the dead and went into the holy city, where they appeared to many people." Matthew 27

Because here's the thing: I believe that everything in the Bible did happen, without a doubt. It's history. The thing I found myself doubting was whether Jesus was just a blasphemer or if He truly was the Son of the Living God. So when I got to this part, I felt pretty dumb. And I'm pretty excited now, actually. Because I'm learning that you can't just push doubts aside. They are there, and denying them is just pushing them deeper and deeper into your heart. When you lay something like this in God's hands,

no doubt,

He is faithful. If you ask for wisdom He will give it to you.

tell me

2008-03-15T22:23:00.003-04:00

i am feeling pretty inspired right now. in my spare time, i go to bookstores and look through graphic design books and magazines that i can't afford. today there was a book on the best t shirt designs. ahh! it was awesome.

like a buoy. but with feelings.

2008-03-15T13:52:00.004-04:00

this week i've been drifting. like a buoy, which has lost it's attachment to the seafloor and is just bobbing around unsure and dimwitted. it's okay, though. things will get better. i can taste it.

there is new music in my life. and it's really exciting.
Radiohead :: getting used to them, and liking them more and more.
Jimmy Eat World :: wondering why this band hasn't been in my life (thanks, Lou for introducing them to me as a band, and not as 'that guy who sings that song In The Middle'
Brand New :: unsure still, but for the most part wondering, again, why they haven't been in my life until now.
Ben Lee :: "is this how love's supposed to feel" might just be my favorite song ever.

i may be driving the burb back to school. i've missed it, and I think it's missed me too. i think my relationship to the car may be very similar to God's love for me. not the same, but similar. i am who i am without it, but why would i ever want to?

2008-03-14T17:56:00.004-04:00

I keep saying to myself, "I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready. I'm scared so obviously it can't be right. I'm so scared."

But I don't think that's the way God works.

For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. [isaiah 41:13]
So do I find the strength within myself? I sure don't feel like I have any.

So now I'm left with this image of God holding my hand.
It's beautiful, really.

goodbye, sweet .mac subscription;

2008-03-14T10:29:00.000-04:00

you will be missed. but not enough to pay for you every year.

so this is the start to a new blog. same me, same God, different url.

what better way to start off a new blog than to explain the title. the words that are supposed to define the entire outlook of this new webpage of mine.

"wandering through the Heart of the unseen"

well, i believe simply that there is more than meets the eye in this life. odd, considering what i love to do is create things visually, two dimensional, quite the opposite of invisible. but to focus on things unseen is to have hope in times of despair. to be filled in times of emptiness. to be dried of tears that have fallen because of the crap this life sometimes gives us.

i am wandering through this life. running, jumping, walking, traveling, riding in a car, dancing, crawling, sleeping through all of this life with joy because of the God who runs all this. because of a Saviour whose grace and mercy i am thankful for every day of my life. because of a Holy Spirit who i believe is inside of me, guiding me, teaching me, holding me upright when i am downright wrong.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
2 Corinthians 4:16-18

that, my friends, is something worth living for.
that, my friends, is Truth that cannot be found through anything else this world can give. and that is what i chose to live for. after all, it is a choice we all have. Jesus didn't die for the perfect. He died for the ungodly, the sinners, the screwed up, the prostitutes, the tax collectors, etc. He died for you and me. So that we can be free from the cares of the world.

i'm not quite sure what shape this blog will take on. my .mac site was more deep and spiritual than anything else. it was more of a journal, including many of the prayers that take me on throughout my wanderings. i guess we'll just have to see.

i am working on finding a new site for my designs. hopefully a site where i can actually get feedback.

please read my blog with an open mind. please comment if you want to tell me something. the reason i blog is so you know what i am thinking. so that you can know how i think and hopefully be encouraged, or challenged, or educated, or at least entertained for a while instead of wasting your time on facebook, playing world of warcraft, or watching tv.

there you have it, my friends. a wandering through the Heart of the unseen. for what is seen is temporary, frail, unimportant, insignificant, and what is unseen is eternal. [which is a long time, by the way.]