sweet conversation

[i don't know where, i don't know how, i don't know why. but Your love can make these things better.]

Lord, sometimes the only thing keeping me alive is Your hand.

The sunset is beautiful this time of year. The conversations have been beautiful. Conversations I knew were so possible, so reachable, but didn't know we had the capacity for. You have the capacity for us, I suppose.

I've been thinking a lot about our pasts here recently. I never thought that I struggled with this idea of not giving up the past. I never thought I had ghosts chasing me. That is for people who have been through tragedy, not church people like me. I've encouraged people who struggle with their pasts, saying that God has closed the door behind you, and you don't have to worry about those things anymore. Your past makes you who you are, but it isn't worthy of being in focus.

See, the funny thing is that my past doesn't matter either. Just because I don't have many regrets doesn't mean that my past still exists in God's eyes. Who we are now, gathered around the table, is who we are at the moment. It's what we're talking about. It's the people we surround ourselves with. It's who we relate with. It's about your personal confidence. It's about what God has taught you and the way that you can stand up for yourself, for your faith, when needed.


There is no shame in what's behind that door. Just as long as the window's open and the air is moving.


I don't think it's ever been as quiet as it is right now.
Can I tell you something?
To be completely honest and vulnerable I'm struggling with a lot right now. One of which is the fact that I am so good at covering my vulnerabilities with a soft, flannel blanket. Well, maybe it's more like a brightly multicolored quilt. If there's anything I can say I'm best at, it's that.

I also have not completely recovered. I suppose I am constantly in a state of recovery. I haven't had the epiphany yet. That moment when I decide to completely trust in Your intentions for my life. This is hard. I believe wholeheartedly that this may be the hardest thing that I've had to go through in the past 10 years of my life. And it hurts. And I'm supposed to grow but I'm being stubborn. i'm seeing it come out. I'm seeing how my energy is being channelled and it's ugly. God, it's ugly.

I'm learning. And that is nothing to be ashamed of. I'm not sorry.

"God's mercy holds us, we are His own. This road that we travel, may it be the straight and narrow. God give us peace and grace from You. All the day through."


A car alarm is going off outside. Reminds me that life goes on.
Thank you for your peace. Reminds me that time really can stop.



"Come just as you are, come recieve, come and live forever."