chapter 18.5

Jesus, stay with my heart, stay beside me. You are hope for my soul, You complete me.

My room is empty, a first. A duffle bag, a backpack, and a camera case. A hand to hold. I suppose I am as prepared as I'll ever be. I've been experiencing so many emotions this week, ones that I never even knew were inside me. At least, that I didn't think would face the surface again. I am deeply going to miss you all, I hold you all so close to my heart. It will remain that way and will give me comfort when I have none.

So begins a new chapter in my life. I don't know if I'll change, but there are qualities in myself I know need refining. The Lord is good at that.

I have gotten advice from many of the people that I love. They may not realize it, but I have been soaking up their words and it has made all the difference. I have listened to them like a child hears a bed time story. How often are people that vulnerable? It's new to me.

Can I just say that I am overwhelmed by the love the Lord has for me? I am scared out of my mind, there is no denying that. But in Him I find peace and grace and life and joy and the world does not come anywhere near providing that. In fact, in my life it has produced exactly the opposite.

My prayer is this: Lord, I see you now, and I am holding your hand very tightly. I am scared. When I am not holding you can you whisper in my ear? Tell me when I am not right, Lord, the desire of my heart is to seek you and I have settled for less than you far too often.
Less than You is not enough for me. I don't know where, I don't know why, I don't know how, but Your love makes these things better. You love us. You love us. You are a God of Love. Why do I forget that?

I will find bread. I will find juice. And I will remember you always. I will remember your covenant.