the greatest love that needs to be loved itself

"my heart broke into a million pieces; they obviously fell down into my feet because i couldn't move."

Jesus, you are so precious to us. We see You. We love You. But we're so idiotic.

I am learning the ramifications of our faith, and I am learning how you wash my feet.
You wash my feet, Lord.
I am washed clean.
So the chapter continues just because.

that song still lingers

"On a day when the wind is perfect, the sail just needs to open and the love starts. Today is such a day."

"It's rigged - everything, in your favor. So there is nothing to worry about. I know there is a gold mine in you, when you find it the wonderment of the earth's gifts you will lay aside as naturally as does a child a doll."

"The hills, the valleys, the beasts, the vineyards, the sacred meadows on our earth and body-they shall pass and ascend as all form does, tiring of space within a cage; for all crowds the soul but the infinite. Ascenders of God we are."

.Rumi.


Investigate my life, O God,
find out everything about me;
Cross-examine and test me,
get a clear picture of what I'm about;
See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong—
then guide me on the road to eternal life.


They say that when you are being stretched the most, that's when you learn the most. I know because I've been there. And it's completely true. Lord, you know me better than myself. You numbered every hair on my head for one thing; and I haven't exactly tried that yet.


Lord, You're better than life. And Your grace rests on my heart.


On the back of a business card:

"This is beautiful. There's something about the city that attracts you.
All cities are the same, really.
Blue lights, White lights, Windows,
lots of them.

There is a Bridge that leads out of the city as if You are leaving a different world.
It has yellow lampstands and makes the river yellow.
It shows its fast Current.
The Congaree is a mighty river, really.

The Wind is mad and I am but a reflection in my window.
I wish I had more time to embrace all this.
I can see it all from here;
clear as day;
yet dark as the Night that it is.

Fear left me a long time ago.

it's darker in the morning

Is this love
Or something to think of?

We fool ourselves for comfort
We’re swayed by every wind
And if this isn’t true love
Then we can just pretend
But what is love?

This is love
This is love
That you would die for me (John 15:13, Romans 5:8)

Is this real
Or something to feel?

Confused by our emotions
Confused by what we see
We trade in our patience
For false security
But is this love?

When I’m falling down
When I’m falling down
You save me
You save me
When I’m falling down
When I’m falling down
You save me
You save me
This is how I know
What love is
And I’d die for this




Wow. That is something I want to live by.

Driving in the burb with all four windows down, aviators on, music loud.

I'm less scared now.

the bipolar alarm clock.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/shackcommunity/

Those are the beautiful people that I love.



Lord, I don't know what it is that makes me so nervous, but it's there. What am I doing and why in the world have I decided to do this? It's one of those things that sounds so good in theory, and as the days approach fears trickle inside me.

60 days.

Is this you testing my faith? Do you do this sort of thing?

And then I hear you whispering that something so sweet in my ear,
"trust me."

God: Here's to waking up in the morning.

i'm so bored of little gods while standing on the edge of something large

I don't know what in the world emotion this is called, but every time I hear my nephew's voice on the phone my heart breaks. I have never known I was capable of such a feeling.

It gets me every time.

I have never had an Easter quite like this one. I have never experienced an Easter sermon quite like the one I heard this morning.
Thanks, Joey.

"An Easter different than any other. 'You are awesome in this place, Mighty God.' A place where four people are wearing bunny ears, and no one is surprised. A place where chaos can transform into solitude in minutes. The coffee is emptied out with barely enough time to start the coffee machine again. Dressed up the only time of the year. for our Jesus."

Can you imagine your life without God in it? It's pretty ugly. We ask God. We ask, beg, pray, complain about our lives. What does that leave us with at the end of the day? Unfulfilled desires?

What if we asked God, "Lord, what can I give to You?"
What if the desires of my heart matched the desires of His heart. After all, His desire is just to have my whole heart. There is a hole in our hearts that we fill with something.

You see, it doesn't matter what you do. It doesn't matter what your past is, or even who you've made youself out to be. God is after your heart. You didn't choose Him, He chose you. Specifically. Because He loves you. Ever wondered why we keep coming back to Him? Trying to fill this void in our hearts so desperately that we will fill it with things that don't matter? Because He created us that way. He wants you. He loves you. He holds you. The void in your heart is God-sized.

He loves you? Yeah. You want to know how I know? Because God wanted us more than he wanted his own life.

I'm laughing at myself because I see the ugliness and how uncomparable it is to a life fulfilling the desires of God's heart.

The Shack Easter service was unlike any other I have experienced. A combination of worship, communion, teaching, eating, frolicking, finding Easter eggs (Christmas ornaments), dying eggs, and did I mention eating?
This is a community that I have a feeling will be in my heart forever.


Wow. I can't believe this.



To quote from Joey, "I pay attention to pop culture because pop culture helps me relate to people."

renewal. again?

and again and again.

Sometimes I look at my life and think what the heck am I doing here. The way I treat situations resembles that of a five year old whose ice cream cone has just tragically dropped into the dirt. Then God stops me (I do believe in the power of stopping time), and tells me exactly what it is I'm doing.

Learning.

Once again, nothing to be sorry for.

"I know you wish you could hear me, sometimes that's so hard to do.
I know you wish you could see me, but that's the way it has to be.
Some day you will understand, don't you lose your faith in me."



I'm reading a new book: "Love Poems from God: Twelve Sacred Voices from the East and West." It's pretty neat. I'm learning what to see as Truth and what to see as lies. It's good to know the difference between the two. Here are some quotes I've found especially True.

"No one knows his name-a man who lives on the streets and walks around in rags. Once I saw that man in a dream. He and God were constructing an extraordinary temple."
This is a good quote, hypothetically. Interestingly, it came from a woman, Rabia, who claimed to be a female Islamic saint. I find truth in it because God does find the least of those on earth as the highest in Heaven. There is so much beauty in constructing a temple with God. Why do we put so much energy into our earthly temples?

"Darkness is an unlit wick; it just needs your touch, Beloved, to become a sacred flame. And what sadness in this world could endure if it looked into your eyes?"

"Such love does the sky now pour, that whenever I stand in a field, I have to wring out the light when I get home."

"Love so needs to love that it will endure almost anything, even abuse, just to flicker for a moment."

"If God said, 'Rumi, pay homage to everything that has helped you enter my arms,' there would not be one experience of my life, not one thought, not one feeling, not any act, I would not bow down to."

"How can you look so needy - God is growing in fields you own.

sweet conversation

[i don't know where, i don't know how, i don't know why. but Your love can make these things better.]

Lord, sometimes the only thing keeping me alive is Your hand.

The sunset is beautiful this time of year. The conversations have been beautiful. Conversations I knew were so possible, so reachable, but didn't know we had the capacity for. You have the capacity for us, I suppose.

I've been thinking a lot about our pasts here recently. I never thought that I struggled with this idea of not giving up the past. I never thought I had ghosts chasing me. That is for people who have been through tragedy, not church people like me. I've encouraged people who struggle with their pasts, saying that God has closed the door behind you, and you don't have to worry about those things anymore. Your past makes you who you are, but it isn't worthy of being in focus.

See, the funny thing is that my past doesn't matter either. Just because I don't have many regrets doesn't mean that my past still exists in God's eyes. Who we are now, gathered around the table, is who we are at the moment. It's what we're talking about. It's the people we surround ourselves with. It's who we relate with. It's about your personal confidence. It's about what God has taught you and the way that you can stand up for yourself, for your faith, when needed.


There is no shame in what's behind that door. Just as long as the window's open and the air is moving.


I don't think it's ever been as quiet as it is right now.
Can I tell you something?
To be completely honest and vulnerable I'm struggling with a lot right now. One of which is the fact that I am so good at covering my vulnerabilities with a soft, flannel blanket. Well, maybe it's more like a brightly multicolored quilt. If there's anything I can say I'm best at, it's that.

I also have not completely recovered. I suppose I am constantly in a state of recovery. I haven't had the epiphany yet. That moment when I decide to completely trust in Your intentions for my life. This is hard. I believe wholeheartedly that this may be the hardest thing that I've had to go through in the past 10 years of my life. And it hurts. And I'm supposed to grow but I'm being stubborn. i'm seeing it come out. I'm seeing how my energy is being channelled and it's ugly. God, it's ugly.

I'm learning. And that is nothing to be ashamed of. I'm not sorry.

"God's mercy holds us, we are His own. This road that we travel, may it be the straight and narrow. God give us peace and grace from You. All the day through."


A car alarm is going off outside. Reminds me that life goes on.
Thank you for your peace. Reminds me that time really can stop.



"Come just as you are, come recieve, come and live forever."

the perks of being a dorm.

When you lose things, they can't go very far. I wish that you could experience a day in the life of my roommate and I. Things just build up and we find ourselves hysterically laughing at some point every day. Like today, when I realized that my flip flops weren't in the place they normally are.

Me: I lost my flip flops. [thinking: i know as soon as i say that i'll find them, since this room is pretty small]
Whitney: They're right there.
Me: Oh.

So I guess it's just one of those 'you had to be there' moments. But those are the moments that allow my life to shine.


I was in Adriana's today, and there was an interview taking place at the table next to me.
I hate interviews.
The girl being interviewed was a graphic designer. She talked for about five minutes about how well she treated the earth. Apparently 'everything she uses is organic.' I just find it hard to claim being a graphic designer and wanting to be environmentally healthy. As the interview was ending, the interviewer asked if the girl had a myspace (uh oh! the myth is true...people really do look at your myspace in job interviewers!) and apparently the girl worked at a bar, and it was really awkward and the girl was trying to convince her how old her myspace was ( :/ )
I hate interviews. I hope that I never have to grow up.

can't stop

i can't believe you're here, close to me,
it's getting hard to breathe, but i don't want to leave.

i can't escape your love for me,
so you take control.
your Spirit surrounds me,
close enough to catch me when i fall.



life isn't a fairy tale. something i'm learning lately.
"Mystical experiences of God are real, but fragmentary...I have learned not to strive to reproduce them, rather to put myself in a place where they can visit me, "grace" me." -Philip Yancey, Reaching for the Invisible God

that's why i'm going to be happy when i wake up to my iPod every day. i'm going to enjoy my first cup of coffee with a good book, and eat my smart start cereal with joy. i'll be thankful every time i am with my friends because they are one of the best things that has ever happened to me. i'm going to leave the past behind me, whatever ghosts i think are chasing me, and focus on what my life is taking the shape of. i will laugh at anything, and i will rejoice in new music.

your ways i do not understand...but i do know that they are AWESOME!

It's good to journal. For several reasons, but one is that you can open them up years later to reflect on your growth, and to laugh a little. I found my journal from when I was 14, and I was laughing my head off.

But it can change your perspective on living an every day life, when you see what your days used to look like. I sometimes look down on my 'testimony' because it didn't involve a divorce, an abortion, abusive parents, or a broken family. When I hear stories from people about turning their lives around and following Jesus after extremely difficult times, I think that my story isn't good enough. My faith is only mine because I grew up going to church.

I can see more and more that my life is significant. I may not have had disaster in my life, but that should make me even the more gracious in my blessings.


On another note:
It being Easter season, I am reading through the death and resurrection story of Jesus. It's hard for me to read for some reason. I found myself reading through the stories in Matthew, and partially doubting what was happening. It was horrible. I found I was convincing myself that it was okay to doubt, but then I was hating myself for that. As I continued to read though, I remained open to God (the only one, obviously who knows my thoughts) with my doubts, because I'm not willing to just push them aside anymore, but at the same time I was very scared. Then I got to this part:

"Then the curtain in the Temple was torn into two pieces, from the top to the bottom. Also, the earth shook and rocks broke apart. The graves opened, and many of God's people who had died were raised from the dead. They came out of the graves after Jesus was raised from the dead and went into the holy city, where they appeared to many people." Matthew 27

Because here's the thing: I believe that everything in the Bible did happen, without a doubt. It's history. The thing I found myself doubting was whether Jesus was just a blasphemer or if He truly was the Son of the Living God. So when I got to this part, I felt pretty dumb. And I'm pretty excited now, actually. Because I'm learning that you can't just push doubts aside. They are there, and denying them is just pushing them deeper and deeper into your heart. When you lay something like this in God's hands,

no doubt,

He is faithful. If you ask for wisdom He will give it to you.

tell me

i am feeling pretty inspired right now. in my spare time, i go to bookstores and look through graphic design books and magazines that i can't afford. today there was a book on the best t shirt designs. ahh! it was awesome.

like a buoy. but with feelings.

this week i've been drifting. like a buoy, which has lost it's attachment to the seafloor and is just bobbing around unsure and dimwitted. it's okay, though. things will get better. i can taste it.


there is new music in my life. and it's really exciting.
Radiohead :: getting used to them, and liking them more and more.
Jimmy Eat World :: wondering why this band hasn't been in my life (thanks, Lou for introducing them to me as a band, and not as 'that guy who sings that song In The Middle'
Brand New :: unsure still, but for the most part wondering, again, why they haven't been in my life until now.
Ben Lee :: "is this how love's supposed to feel" might just be my favorite song ever.



i may be driving the burb back to school. i've missed it, and I think it's missed me too. i think my relationship to the car may be very similar to God's love for me. not the same, but similar. i am who i am without it, but why would i ever want to?

I keep saying to myself, "I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready. I'm scared so obviously it can't be right. I'm so scared."

But I don't think that's the way God works.

For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. [isaiah 41:13]
So do I find the strength within myself? I sure don't feel like I have any.

So now I'm left with this image of God holding my hand.
It's beautiful, really.

goodbye, sweet .mac subscription;

you will be missed. but not enough to pay for you every year.

so this is the start to a new blog. same me, same God, different url.

what better way to start off a new blog than to explain the title. the words that are supposed to define the entire outlook of this new webpage of mine.

"wandering through the Heart of the unseen"

well, i believe simply that there is more than meets the eye in this life. odd, considering what i love to do is create things visually, two dimensional, quite the opposite of invisible. but to focus on things unseen is to have hope in times of despair. to be filled in times of emptiness. to be dried of tears that have fallen because of the crap this life sometimes gives us.

i am wandering through this life. running, jumping, walking, traveling, riding in a car, dancing, crawling, sleeping through all of this life with joy because of the God who runs all this. because of a Saviour whose grace and mercy i am thankful for every day of my life. because of a Holy Spirit who i believe is inside of me, guiding me, teaching me, holding me upright when i am downright wrong.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
2 Corinthians 4:16-18

that, my friends, is something worth living for.
that, my friends, is Truth that cannot be found through anything else this world can give. and that is what i chose to live for. after all, it is a choice we all have. Jesus didn't die for the perfect. He died for the ungodly, the sinners, the screwed up, the prostitutes, the tax collectors, etc. He died for you and me. So that we can be free from the cares of the world.


i'm not quite sure what shape this blog will take on. my .mac site was more deep and spiritual than anything else. it was more of a journal, including many of the prayers that take me on throughout my wanderings. i guess we'll just have to see.


i am working on finding a new site for my designs. hopefully a site where i can actually get feedback.


please read my blog with an open mind. please comment if you want to tell me something. the reason i blog is so you know what i am thinking. so that you can know how i think and hopefully be encouraged, or challenged, or educated, or at least entertained for a while instead of wasting your time on facebook, playing world of warcraft, or watching tv.

there you have it, my friends. a wandering through the Heart of the unseen. for what is seen is temporary, frail, unimportant, insignificant, and what is unseen is eternal. [which is a long time, by the way.]