two stories

Tonight I went to a Western dance party. I danced with a real cowboy! And several other guys, some more creepy than others and some genuine gentlemen. My brother danced too, it was cute.

The other night I had the best worst night of sleep ever. You have to understand a little background though. It is windy here. Pretty much all the time and the weather changes like nobody's business. We live in tents that are barely sufficient living spaces. They are about 12 feet by 10 feet, wooden floor, three wooden posts holding up basically the entire tent. When it is windy, the tent moves back and forth a good two feet. When it rains, we get wet because there are holes. I hadn't gotten a roommate yet, and this night was windy at about 20 mph, raining, thunderstorming, and cold. I can't open my eyes because if I do I'll see how badly the tent is moving and have a panic attack. I can't move because I am scared. If my tent falls down on me I am alone. My Mac is unsafe from water or temperature damage within a locker. Every time the lightning strikes the tent is illuminated and all I can do is count the seconds until the thunder rolls violently soon after. I am lying there stiff like a stick with no refuge. I am praying my brains out that it would stop.

And it's then that I realize, "God is a god of wrath. He has been gentle with me, but he is the Creator of the Universe and has every power to destroy nations and bring us trembling to our knees."
This storm is Him being who He is and it's scary and I don't want to be here but I am okay because He loves me. He loves me.
"God is near. He is near me 800 miles away from where He was near me that time five months ago when He was near me and every day that He has always been near me."
Wow. It was some sort of epiphany or something, and it was an experience of the closeness of God. Without anyone else telling me what to do. Without advice from others and without closeness of friends.
It was God.
And it was beautifully terrifying.


Tired. Hike tomorrow. Over 300 pictures, but here are some.

My lightbulb is hanging...

just like the Coldplay concert in September. I'm working on a logo. I'm pretty excited. I meant to put pictures up, but it'll happen soon. I'm having much less free time than expected, but it's good. Discovered that postcards cost $1. May take longer to start sending those out. I met every staff member here who owns a Mac within the first few days. Not sure how that happened. I've been able to avoid Windows all together.

The lights are brighter here, and the wind is stronger.

what if the wind was everyone you ever loved?

frisbee til dark.

i sleep in a tent, shower less, eat less, weigh less, my hair is straighter, tan lines are becoming visible, i wear chacos with socks.

the boys i work with don't wear deodorant. gross.

at home i feared consistency, here i fear bear sightings.


I want them to see past my surface. How do you do that and what does it really mean? Especially when I put so much effort into a shiny surface. If you are supposed to pray in a closet, then how are we supposed to be lights for the world?

Ohh, the Word is filled with such beautiful contradictions. Lord, do you over analyze more than I do?


Tired eyes. 11pm my time, 1am yours.

Did you know the Earth was covered in white cotton candy?

May 23

"Also, Heaven definitely isn't in the clouds like they show in the Philadelphia cream cheese commercials.
Everything will change, we will never be the same. I had no idea how awesome this was going to be. I miss my mac though. The airport is such a good place for him. I regret not making more effective playlists, but I've found the iPod to be an important companion...the Lord is good. I knew He wanted to refine me but I was scared. He loves me. And it brings tears of joy. If I can suggest anything to you, I want you to spend a good long day without other people, or stuff. I have the best friends in the world, a body that loves and supports me, but I also have a God who deserves my time in the least. Perfect loves drives out fear, my friend. If you don't believe me, have faith. Don't fight your fears, embrace them."


I am very tired, so this is a short entry. But this place is amazing. Already taken over 100 pictures, I cannot give you words for the beauty that God made in this part of the country. He really likes showing off. The stars are so bright. SO BRIGHT. And He made this for US. Can you believe this? Pictures will be posted later.

My mac is here now! One day in and I've been asked to do some designs. I'm psyched. Also, I love climbing into my sleeping bag at night. It is warm. I wish someone could videotape me getting up in the morning. My entire body within this cocoon of a bag, an alarm going off, an arm reaching out to turn it off, then goes back in the bag.


Needless to say, the Lord is good. He is so good and He is refining me because for some reason He loves me. It really has brought tears.

us2gether :: we will fly

chapter 18.5

Jesus, stay with my heart, stay beside me. You are hope for my soul, You complete me.

My room is empty, a first. A duffle bag, a backpack, and a camera case. A hand to hold. I suppose I am as prepared as I'll ever be. I've been experiencing so many emotions this week, ones that I never even knew were inside me. At least, that I didn't think would face the surface again. I am deeply going to miss you all, I hold you all so close to my heart. It will remain that way and will give me comfort when I have none.

So begins a new chapter in my life. I don't know if I'll change, but there are qualities in myself I know need refining. The Lord is good at that.

I have gotten advice from many of the people that I love. They may not realize it, but I have been soaking up their words and it has made all the difference. I have listened to them like a child hears a bed time story. How often are people that vulnerable? It's new to me.

Can I just say that I am overwhelmed by the love the Lord has for me? I am scared out of my mind, there is no denying that. But in Him I find peace and grace and life and joy and the world does not come anywhere near providing that. In fact, in my life it has produced exactly the opposite.

My prayer is this: Lord, I see you now, and I am holding your hand very tightly. I am scared. When I am not holding you can you whisper in my ear? Tell me when I am not right, Lord, the desire of my heart is to seek you and I have settled for less than you far too often.
Less than You is not enough for me. I don't know where, I don't know why, I don't know how, but Your love makes these things better. You love us. You love us. You are a God of Love. Why do I forget that?

I will find bread. I will find juice. And I will remember you always. I will remember your covenant.

Your hand in mine.

I'm just going to have to trust that.

ambulance:gloria record

i've found love as deep as the ocean.
and your eyes...they hit me like a train.

and your words...serenade me, like the sweetest of songs.

...here i find peace again...

i will follow...

us2gether, a not so reunion.

in your Name i find healing...

so i'm holding on.
good morning. terminix woke me up today. what better way to wake up than by knowing there won't be any bugs in your house? pretty nice. it is 71 degrees and sunny. i ate a beautiful golden waffle with a huge cup of coffee. i am listening to lifehouse. i finally have everything i need to pack up and get going. even an ounce of peace. i guess that can get me through. oh, and faith.
i've got a little bit of that. i have a good feeling that God is going to take that.
time to start packing.

reality sinking in.

i'm going to be here in 5 days.

just a taste.

Lord, I just want to see You. I just want to know You better.
I love that You love me despite myself. Do you love me because of myself or despite of it?

newity.

Someday i won't give in to Starbuck's. It will be gloriously terrifying. Who can say 'no' to mint mocha chip frapp?
I picked up a book about Mother Teresa, her private writings. (if you're looking down on me now, i apologize for reading your secrets) I had heard a story recently where a friend of a friend wanted to make a difference in the world (don't we all), so he calls Mother Teresa's orphanage. just calls it, and leaves a message, for her asking that she would call him back when she gets a chance.
...
A few months later, he answers his phone, and sure enough, it's Mother Teresa. Long story short, he finds a way to get to India and ends up making a difference in the world under none other than Mother Teresa.

I wish I could see her face. they say that anyone who actually looked into her eyes was changed. I've always wondered what it was about Christian authors or speakers that I didn't like. There's pride there, regardless of whether it's righteous or not. They write books thinking they will help people with what they personally have found to be true in life (which i'm not going to argue that they don't). Mother Teresa has books written _about_ her. She is legendary. and she still didn't like that.
No more analyzing this. i'd rather be like Mother Teresa than anyone else in the whole world, and that's that.
I'm pretty much just bored of being lazy. We are called for much much more.
So, looking at all this Christian literature, it makes me feel a little uneasy. "Hey if i get someone like Rob Bell to write a good review for me, then i will sell more books!" And seeing all the Christian CD's. And knowing about this movement i like to call 'insidethebox' where pastors are broadcasted rather than seen. Worship bands are heard rather than felt. Maybe i'm just sick of seeing so many new minivans and SUV's. maybe the distance I have to drive just for a good cup of coffee is too far. Too many people looking at watches and talking on cell phones. Suburbs just don't feel right to me any longer.
For the first time I'm actually saying I'm ready. There is something so deep inside me that needs renewing. or maybe just 'newing'. newity?
I like jazz, but even more i am liking silence. Also, Ray LaMontagne.
'don't look for love in places, in faces, it's in you.'
I'll call you back when i'm ready. I've learned to take all this one step at a time. I just about fell down the stairs.

expressyourself

Smoke4
Originally uploaded by SjTovar

please?


environment right now = no place to create.
upsetting.

quotation of the week

Faith is not a reasonable act which fits into the normal scheme of life and perception. The promise of the gospel is not a conventional piece of wisdom that is easily accommodated to everything else. Embrace of this gospel requires shattering and discontinuity.

http://erika.haub.net/

refine

RickettsTree
Originally uploaded by groovysuvi

"...and you'll always have my blue velvet jacket, and I'll always have your CD. And we'll be sisters forever, striving for a faith unfailing. Who needs to be in close distance when when our spirits are entwined?"
-Carrie Joy


Can you hear me when there is no sound?

Sometimes it may be even harder to find You when there is sound.

We are being refined.
And if we are in the least bit willing, He will go through snipping our branches.
"snip"
"snip"
"snip"
I just named three of mine.

cityscape/

sunsetting in the suburbs

i'm falling to pieces and i sure could use some help


I forgot how beautiful the sunrise is here. It's something the city just lacks. The red and orange light is trying so hard to seep through my windows and the rays reach higher than I can try. The pine trees are as tall as the buildings.

I will meet You in our secret place and I will be Yours
You will pick me up and carry me in Your arms across the lake and into the sky

I realized it so randomly but so beautifully. After all, what is the point of having faith if you're not putting your faith in something?

I was scared. So scared and I tried to ignore it but it was there raping my mind. I know perfect love drives out fear, but that doesn't mean anything. What is love and where does it come from and what are the rules and ramifications and what am I supposed to do what am I supposed to feel when I undeniably am defeatedly scared out of my mind because I've never done this before. The music and the art and the people can't even give me the comfort and hope to pull through.

When you are honest, you find answers.
I am learning what the Holy Spirit does, not trying to figure it out, but experiencing the grace and hope that it brings from God. I am taking a huge step in my life. I am going the distance physically and mentally. I don't know why. I am doubting my decision, but going for it nonetheless. For whatever reason.

Walking through Books-A-Million yesterday, I found a tshirt that said "Jesus, the answer to all your problems"
hahaha....
I'd like a tshirt that said, "Jesus, the one that takes you from your comfortable life and ruins it to perfect you for a life after you die"
...or something. Although I probably still wouldn't wear it.

I find it hard to believe that a life with Jesus is easy. Or painless. Or content.
We are working against the world, how can this answer all your problems?

I am terrified. But, I am comforted because I understand now that this is exactly what it takes to have faith. I'm sick of claiming faith. I'm ready to chase faith. Faith that is stupidly sure.

creative date ideas

Found this while cleaning out my closet.

-Go and plop down on some big ol couch in Barnes and Noble and read some children's books or simply grab some of your favorite magazines and hang out wihile sippin' on some coffee.
-Make a picnic lunch, take a blanket, and go out to a park or nature reserve. Afterward,s take a walk and actually talk to each other.
-Go horseback riding. Find some stables nearby and pay for an hour, maybe take a one time lesson together or something.
-Go workout together at a gym.
-Dave and Busters. You'll want to save up some cash for this one. It has the coolest biggest video games around, a nice restaurant, and a sophisticated atmosphere. Lots of virtual reality type stuff. A Chuck E. Cheese for teens and adults.
-Speaking of Chuck E., take a couple kids to Chuck E. Cheese for the evening and let their parents go out on a date. You'll have just as much fun as the kids plus get some good pizza...plus...give some parents a night to themselves.
-Go sledding. More fun with snow.
-Stay in and make chocolate chip cookies together. No slice and bake. Then give them to family or friends.
-Make dinner for each other.
-Go out on a progressive dinner. One place for appetizers, another for salad, another for main course, and then dessert. They don't have to be fancy...you could go to the Target cafe for nachos for appetizer, Wendy's for a side salad, go to Bagel Cafe for sandwiches, then Dairy Queen for dessert.
-IMAX.
-Play a board game with parents. It may sound corny, but it's a good thing to spend time together with your parents.
-Bust out the card deck and play some rummy, war, slap jack, crazy 8's, UNO, Phase 10, euchre, hearts, spades, etc.
-Rent a video game that you both will enjoy playing. Ladies, be excited about it.
-The Dollar Movies!
-Take your little brother or sister out with you wherever you go for the evening. They'll keep the evening more interesting.
-Go to a batting cage.
-Go on a double date with your grandparents, have them tell you stories about when they dated. Take advantage of the time you are blessed to spend with them and make the most of opportunities to hear stories that you'll want to pass down to your kids and your grandchildren some day.
-Golf ball driving range!
-Tackle all the local thrift stores like GoodWill and Salvation Army and pick out outfits for each other. Usually you can find some really cool stuff really cheap.
-Go online and play games at sites like www.uproar.com
-Take a tour of an art museum, or a special exhibit with ancient artifacts like Egyptian Mummies or something.
-If you have a friend who plays on the school tennis, wrestling, basketball, baseball, volleyball or whatever team. Go watch one of their games...cheap entertainment and it will mean the world to your friend.
-Have a nght where you give each other different hairstyles. Take some mousse and some gel and a hair dryer and start creating. Temporary hair coloring anyone?
-Double date with youth minister and his wife.
-Go out and buy a couple of cheap kites, go to the park, and fly them together.
-Playgrounds anyone?
-Make up your own holiday and buy each other something.
-LASER TAG
-Wash your cars together!
-Ice skating
-Serve the community - soup kitchen, nursing home, deliver food to sick friends.
-Take a video camera out with you for the evening...Record people you drive up next to, go to friends' houses and surprise them. You never know what could happen. Afterwards go back and watch it. They are usually holarious.
-Rent a limo with 8-10 of your friends and drive around for a couple hours...go to McDonald's or something random.

welcome to the real world

you're not going to be a child forever.

something temporary

it's funny the difference between suburbs and city.

"right turn on red"

happens to be one of them.

also, there are SUVs in the suburbs.
everywhere.
new ones.
expensive ones.
driven by soccer moms. who obviously will be needing them for sports and/or utilities.

although, i am downtown again.
i'm not sure where home is. it's this word that people associate with a house usually, sometimes apartment building. home is where your heart is, and if my heart is inside me beating hard, then it doesn't really matter what place it is.

my heart was beating fast today.
you're a piece of who i am, and that is a small piece but a beautiful one.
i like living without regret. regret is just a tool of self deprecation that we use to make ourselves feel bad for no reason.
yeah.
sometimes i'm all talk though.

it's funny how nothing is permanent anymore. i have moved out of the dorm, cleaned out my room in Irmo, and i am barely unpacking anything knowing that i am moving all my stuff out again.

everything is temporary.
which makes the Permanent even more appealing.

wisdom teeth

floppy disks, high school english notes, 90s mix tapes, prom dresses, old makeup box, countless kept letters, graduation cap, the smell at the bottom of my dresser drawer, spongebob tshirt, senior year tshirt, black notepad for gel pens, old sketch book, oh the list....


this is unreal.
so incredibly unreal.

if time is all we have, then what does that leave us with? if all we have is this invisible, winding, path that God takes us on, what is it that we can find comfort in?
his arms.
oh yeah.
his arms.
and i will never be the same again.

i found my wisdom teeth in a little manilla packet. i am a pack rat. i am going to throw them away. but do you think that as the days pass God takes the wisdom we think we have and gives us new wisdom? our spirits are renewed everyday. forgiveness is one of the easiest things when it is a loved one.

sleep for now, my friends.

wow. life is moving fast. the window's down and the air is blowing and my hair is everywhere and there are so many colors.
it's beautiful.

there is new music, there are new people that have no idea how much they will be missed.

fast.
fast
fast
fast.

so many colors...the colors of a sunset. the kind that without the time of day you'd have no idea if it was dusk or dawn. that's really where i am right now. i don't know if this is an end or a beginning. if every moment of my life was like this i think i'd go crazy.

i'm moving out i'm moving in
i'm saying goodbye i'm saying hello
i'm studying i'm distracted
i'm nervous i'm excited
i'm bored i'm busy
the noise is loud but i'm not hearing anything.

Lord you blow my mind.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I feel you and you are better than life.
My heart is yours
My love is yours

Sometimes I have no idea what this means...but I love you. And sometimes that's all I need to live.

Today my day began with a big fresh box of krispy kreme donuts from my dad. It also began with a few encouraging wall posts, a good video, a good song, and the beautiful chill of a spring morning.

I just hope.
Lord I'm hoping.

If I fall, will you catch me?
I know it's going to happen.
I just don't know when.
I love you Lord.