sunsetting in the suburbs

i'm falling to pieces and i sure could use some help


I forgot how beautiful the sunrise is here. It's something the city just lacks. The red and orange light is trying so hard to seep through my windows and the rays reach higher than I can try. The pine trees are as tall as the buildings.

I will meet You in our secret place and I will be Yours
You will pick me up and carry me in Your arms across the lake and into the sky

I realized it so randomly but so beautifully. After all, what is the point of having faith if you're not putting your faith in something?

I was scared. So scared and I tried to ignore it but it was there raping my mind. I know perfect love drives out fear, but that doesn't mean anything. What is love and where does it come from and what are the rules and ramifications and what am I supposed to do what am I supposed to feel when I undeniably am defeatedly scared out of my mind because I've never done this before. The music and the art and the people can't even give me the comfort and hope to pull through.

When you are honest, you find answers.
I am learning what the Holy Spirit does, not trying to figure it out, but experiencing the grace and hope that it brings from God. I am taking a huge step in my life. I am going the distance physically and mentally. I don't know why. I am doubting my decision, but going for it nonetheless. For whatever reason.

Walking through Books-A-Million yesterday, I found a tshirt that said "Jesus, the answer to all your problems"
hahaha....
I'd like a tshirt that said, "Jesus, the one that takes you from your comfortable life and ruins it to perfect you for a life after you die"
...or something. Although I probably still wouldn't wear it.

I find it hard to believe that a life with Jesus is easy. Or painless. Or content.
We are working against the world, how can this answer all your problems?

I am terrified. But, I am comforted because I understand now that this is exactly what it takes to have faith. I'm sick of claiming faith. I'm ready to chase faith. Faith that is stupidly sure.

creative date ideas

Found this while cleaning out my closet.

-Go and plop down on some big ol couch in Barnes and Noble and read some children's books or simply grab some of your favorite magazines and hang out wihile sippin' on some coffee.
-Make a picnic lunch, take a blanket, and go out to a park or nature reserve. Afterward,s take a walk and actually talk to each other.
-Go horseback riding. Find some stables nearby and pay for an hour, maybe take a one time lesson together or something.
-Go workout together at a gym.
-Dave and Busters. You'll want to save up some cash for this one. It has the coolest biggest video games around, a nice restaurant, and a sophisticated atmosphere. Lots of virtual reality type stuff. A Chuck E. Cheese for teens and adults.
-Speaking of Chuck E., take a couple kids to Chuck E. Cheese for the evening and let their parents go out on a date. You'll have just as much fun as the kids plus get some good pizza...plus...give some parents a night to themselves.
-Go sledding. More fun with snow.
-Stay in and make chocolate chip cookies together. No slice and bake. Then give them to family or friends.
-Make dinner for each other.
-Go out on a progressive dinner. One place for appetizers, another for salad, another for main course, and then dessert. They don't have to be fancy...you could go to the Target cafe for nachos for appetizer, Wendy's for a side salad, go to Bagel Cafe for sandwiches, then Dairy Queen for dessert.
-IMAX.
-Play a board game with parents. It may sound corny, but it's a good thing to spend time together with your parents.
-Bust out the card deck and play some rummy, war, slap jack, crazy 8's, UNO, Phase 10, euchre, hearts, spades, etc.
-Rent a video game that you both will enjoy playing. Ladies, be excited about it.
-The Dollar Movies!
-Take your little brother or sister out with you wherever you go for the evening. They'll keep the evening more interesting.
-Go to a batting cage.
-Go on a double date with your grandparents, have them tell you stories about when they dated. Take advantage of the time you are blessed to spend with them and make the most of opportunities to hear stories that you'll want to pass down to your kids and your grandchildren some day.
-Golf ball driving range!
-Tackle all the local thrift stores like GoodWill and Salvation Army and pick out outfits for each other. Usually you can find some really cool stuff really cheap.
-Go online and play games at sites like www.uproar.com
-Take a tour of an art museum, or a special exhibit with ancient artifacts like Egyptian Mummies or something.
-If you have a friend who plays on the school tennis, wrestling, basketball, baseball, volleyball or whatever team. Go watch one of their games...cheap entertainment and it will mean the world to your friend.
-Have a nght where you give each other different hairstyles. Take some mousse and some gel and a hair dryer and start creating. Temporary hair coloring anyone?
-Double date with youth minister and his wife.
-Go out and buy a couple of cheap kites, go to the park, and fly them together.
-Playgrounds anyone?
-Make up your own holiday and buy each other something.
-LASER TAG
-Wash your cars together!
-Ice skating
-Serve the community - soup kitchen, nursing home, deliver food to sick friends.
-Take a video camera out with you for the evening...Record people you drive up next to, go to friends' houses and surprise them. You never know what could happen. Afterwards go back and watch it. They are usually holarious.
-Rent a limo with 8-10 of your friends and drive around for a couple hours...go to McDonald's or something random.

welcome to the real world

you're not going to be a child forever.

something temporary

it's funny the difference between suburbs and city.

"right turn on red"

happens to be one of them.

also, there are SUVs in the suburbs.
everywhere.
new ones.
expensive ones.
driven by soccer moms. who obviously will be needing them for sports and/or utilities.

although, i am downtown again.
i'm not sure where home is. it's this word that people associate with a house usually, sometimes apartment building. home is where your heart is, and if my heart is inside me beating hard, then it doesn't really matter what place it is.

my heart was beating fast today.
you're a piece of who i am, and that is a small piece but a beautiful one.
i like living without regret. regret is just a tool of self deprecation that we use to make ourselves feel bad for no reason.
yeah.
sometimes i'm all talk though.

it's funny how nothing is permanent anymore. i have moved out of the dorm, cleaned out my room in Irmo, and i am barely unpacking anything knowing that i am moving all my stuff out again.

everything is temporary.
which makes the Permanent even more appealing.

wisdom teeth

floppy disks, high school english notes, 90s mix tapes, prom dresses, old makeup box, countless kept letters, graduation cap, the smell at the bottom of my dresser drawer, spongebob tshirt, senior year tshirt, black notepad for gel pens, old sketch book, oh the list....


this is unreal.
so incredibly unreal.

if time is all we have, then what does that leave us with? if all we have is this invisible, winding, path that God takes us on, what is it that we can find comfort in?
his arms.
oh yeah.
his arms.
and i will never be the same again.

i found my wisdom teeth in a little manilla packet. i am a pack rat. i am going to throw them away. but do you think that as the days pass God takes the wisdom we think we have and gives us new wisdom? our spirits are renewed everyday. forgiveness is one of the easiest things when it is a loved one.

sleep for now, my friends.

wow. life is moving fast. the window's down and the air is blowing and my hair is everywhere and there are so many colors.
it's beautiful.

there is new music, there are new people that have no idea how much they will be missed.

fast.
fast
fast
fast.

so many colors...the colors of a sunset. the kind that without the time of day you'd have no idea if it was dusk or dawn. that's really where i am right now. i don't know if this is an end or a beginning. if every moment of my life was like this i think i'd go crazy.

i'm moving out i'm moving in
i'm saying goodbye i'm saying hello
i'm studying i'm distracted
i'm nervous i'm excited
i'm bored i'm busy
the noise is loud but i'm not hearing anything.

Lord you blow my mind.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I feel you and you are better than life.
My heart is yours
My love is yours

Sometimes I have no idea what this means...but I love you. And sometimes that's all I need to live.

Today my day began with a big fresh box of krispy kreme donuts from my dad. It also began with a few encouraging wall posts, a good video, a good song, and the beautiful chill of a spring morning.

I just hope.
Lord I'm hoping.

If I fall, will you catch me?
I know it's going to happen.
I just don't know when.
I love you Lord.