the greatest love that needs to be loved itself

"my heart broke into a million pieces; they obviously fell down into my feet because i couldn't move."

Jesus, you are so precious to us. We see You. We love You. But we're so idiotic.

I am learning the ramifications of our faith, and I am learning how you wash my feet.
You wash my feet, Lord.
I am washed clean.
So the chapter continues just because.

that song still lingers

"On a day when the wind is perfect, the sail just needs to open and the love starts. Today is such a day."

"It's rigged - everything, in your favor. So there is nothing to worry about. I know there is a gold mine in you, when you find it the wonderment of the earth's gifts you will lay aside as naturally as does a child a doll."

"The hills, the valleys, the beasts, the vineyards, the sacred meadows on our earth and body-they shall pass and ascend as all form does, tiring of space within a cage; for all crowds the soul but the infinite. Ascenders of God we are."

.Rumi.


Investigate my life, O God,
find out everything about me;
Cross-examine and test me,
get a clear picture of what I'm about;
See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong—
then guide me on the road to eternal life.


They say that when you are being stretched the most, that's when you learn the most. I know because I've been there. And it's completely true. Lord, you know me better than myself. You numbered every hair on my head for one thing; and I haven't exactly tried that yet.


Lord, You're better than life. And Your grace rests on my heart.


On the back of a business card:

"This is beautiful. There's something about the city that attracts you.
All cities are the same, really.
Blue lights, White lights, Windows,
lots of them.

There is a Bridge that leads out of the city as if You are leaving a different world.
It has yellow lampstands and makes the river yellow.
It shows its fast Current.
The Congaree is a mighty river, really.

The Wind is mad and I am but a reflection in my window.
I wish I had more time to embrace all this.
I can see it all from here;
clear as day;
yet dark as the Night that it is.

Fear left me a long time ago.

it's darker in the morning

Is this love
Or something to think of?

We fool ourselves for comfort
We’re swayed by every wind
And if this isn’t true love
Then we can just pretend
But what is love?

This is love
This is love
That you would die for me (John 15:13, Romans 5:8)

Is this real
Or something to feel?

Confused by our emotions
Confused by what we see
We trade in our patience
For false security
But is this love?

When I’m falling down
When I’m falling down
You save me
You save me
When I’m falling down
When I’m falling down
You save me
You save me
This is how I know
What love is
And I’d die for this




Wow. That is something I want to live by.

Driving in the burb with all four windows down, aviators on, music loud.

I'm less scared now.

the bipolar alarm clock.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/shackcommunity/

Those are the beautiful people that I love.



Lord, I don't know what it is that makes me so nervous, but it's there. What am I doing and why in the world have I decided to do this? It's one of those things that sounds so good in theory, and as the days approach fears trickle inside me.

60 days.

Is this you testing my faith? Do you do this sort of thing?

And then I hear you whispering that something so sweet in my ear,
"trust me."

God: Here's to waking up in the morning.

i'm so bored of little gods while standing on the edge of something large

I don't know what in the world emotion this is called, but every time I hear my nephew's voice on the phone my heart breaks. I have never known I was capable of such a feeling.

It gets me every time.

I have never had an Easter quite like this one. I have never experienced an Easter sermon quite like the one I heard this morning.
Thanks, Joey.

"An Easter different than any other. 'You are awesome in this place, Mighty God.' A place where four people are wearing bunny ears, and no one is surprised. A place where chaos can transform into solitude in minutes. The coffee is emptied out with barely enough time to start the coffee machine again. Dressed up the only time of the year. for our Jesus."

Can you imagine your life without God in it? It's pretty ugly. We ask God. We ask, beg, pray, complain about our lives. What does that leave us with at the end of the day? Unfulfilled desires?

What if we asked God, "Lord, what can I give to You?"
What if the desires of my heart matched the desires of His heart. After all, His desire is just to have my whole heart. There is a hole in our hearts that we fill with something.

You see, it doesn't matter what you do. It doesn't matter what your past is, or even who you've made youself out to be. God is after your heart. You didn't choose Him, He chose you. Specifically. Because He loves you. Ever wondered why we keep coming back to Him? Trying to fill this void in our hearts so desperately that we will fill it with things that don't matter? Because He created us that way. He wants you. He loves you. He holds you. The void in your heart is God-sized.

He loves you? Yeah. You want to know how I know? Because God wanted us more than he wanted his own life.

I'm laughing at myself because I see the ugliness and how uncomparable it is to a life fulfilling the desires of God's heart.

The Shack Easter service was unlike any other I have experienced. A combination of worship, communion, teaching, eating, frolicking, finding Easter eggs (Christmas ornaments), dying eggs, and did I mention eating?
This is a community that I have a feeling will be in my heart forever.


Wow. I can't believe this.



To quote from Joey, "I pay attention to pop culture because pop culture helps me relate to people."

renewal. again?

and again and again.

Sometimes I look at my life and think what the heck am I doing here. The way I treat situations resembles that of a five year old whose ice cream cone has just tragically dropped into the dirt. Then God stops me (I do believe in the power of stopping time), and tells me exactly what it is I'm doing.

Learning.

Once again, nothing to be sorry for.

"I know you wish you could hear me, sometimes that's so hard to do.
I know you wish you could see me, but that's the way it has to be.
Some day you will understand, don't you lose your faith in me."



I'm reading a new book: "Love Poems from God: Twelve Sacred Voices from the East and West." It's pretty neat. I'm learning what to see as Truth and what to see as lies. It's good to know the difference between the two. Here are some quotes I've found especially True.

"No one knows his name-a man who lives on the streets and walks around in rags. Once I saw that man in a dream. He and God were constructing an extraordinary temple."
This is a good quote, hypothetically. Interestingly, it came from a woman, Rabia, who claimed to be a female Islamic saint. I find truth in it because God does find the least of those on earth as the highest in Heaven. There is so much beauty in constructing a temple with God. Why do we put so much energy into our earthly temples?

"Darkness is an unlit wick; it just needs your touch, Beloved, to become a sacred flame. And what sadness in this world could endure if it looked into your eyes?"

"Such love does the sky now pour, that whenever I stand in a field, I have to wring out the light when I get home."

"Love so needs to love that it will endure almost anything, even abuse, just to flicker for a moment."

"If God said, 'Rumi, pay homage to everything that has helped you enter my arms,' there would not be one experience of my life, not one thought, not one feeling, not any act, I would not bow down to."

"How can you look so needy - God is growing in fields you own.

sweet conversation

[i don't know where, i don't know how, i don't know why. but Your love can make these things better.]

Lord, sometimes the only thing keeping me alive is Your hand.

The sunset is beautiful this time of year. The conversations have been beautiful. Conversations I knew were so possible, so reachable, but didn't know we had the capacity for. You have the capacity for us, I suppose.

I've been thinking a lot about our pasts here recently. I never thought that I struggled with this idea of not giving up the past. I never thought I had ghosts chasing me. That is for people who have been through tragedy, not church people like me. I've encouraged people who struggle with their pasts, saying that God has closed the door behind you, and you don't have to worry about those things anymore. Your past makes you who you are, but it isn't worthy of being in focus.

See, the funny thing is that my past doesn't matter either. Just because I don't have many regrets doesn't mean that my past still exists in God's eyes. Who we are now, gathered around the table, is who we are at the moment. It's what we're talking about. It's the people we surround ourselves with. It's who we relate with. It's about your personal confidence. It's about what God has taught you and the way that you can stand up for yourself, for your faith, when needed.


There is no shame in what's behind that door. Just as long as the window's open and the air is moving.


I don't think it's ever been as quiet as it is right now.
Can I tell you something?
To be completely honest and vulnerable I'm struggling with a lot right now. One of which is the fact that I am so good at covering my vulnerabilities with a soft, flannel blanket. Well, maybe it's more like a brightly multicolored quilt. If there's anything I can say I'm best at, it's that.

I also have not completely recovered. I suppose I am constantly in a state of recovery. I haven't had the epiphany yet. That moment when I decide to completely trust in Your intentions for my life. This is hard. I believe wholeheartedly that this may be the hardest thing that I've had to go through in the past 10 years of my life. And it hurts. And I'm supposed to grow but I'm being stubborn. i'm seeing it come out. I'm seeing how my energy is being channelled and it's ugly. God, it's ugly.

I'm learning. And that is nothing to be ashamed of. I'm not sorry.

"God's mercy holds us, we are His own. This road that we travel, may it be the straight and narrow. God give us peace and grace from You. All the day through."


A car alarm is going off outside. Reminds me that life goes on.
Thank you for your peace. Reminds me that time really can stop.



"Come just as you are, come recieve, come and live forever."